|Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!|
Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization. It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes. I remembered who I was. It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it. I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.
When I was young, I longed to be a clown. I even collected clowns. When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside. So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends. It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown. Those who truly love me have stayed in my life. They are my great Oak trees! Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term. I'm thankful for the great Oaks. I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers. I have felt it, and I survived because of it. I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."
|Friends help us through the stormy times...|
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)
Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know. I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down. I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds. This was both literally and mentally. I let the sunlight in. I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them. I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!
© 02Nov2013 ajjahner