Weary Heart

Father's Day weekend was hard for me this year.  I'm not even sure why.  I do miss my Grandpa so much, but that wasn't it.  My mil's birthday would have been yesterday, and I still miss her.  That wasn't it either.  My family was together, husband and my two sons.  Our brunch was wonderful, and we had a really nice time.  I just can't put my finger on it.

Do you ever just slip into a "blue funk" for no apparent reason?  I'd love to write something cheery and entertaining, but it's just not there.  Mahalia just came on... "Trouble of the World"... I have to say that's not cheering me up.  The songs come up randomly, and this one just happened to fit my state of mind today.  "I want to see my mother... going home to live with God..."   *Sigh*  I don't want to "go home" to see my mother, father... any of my loved ones... not today.  Not anytime soon.  I love this life.  I love my family and my friends.  I just wish I were seeing more of my prayers answered... well, answered the way I wanted.  So many people suffering with illness, job loss, sorrows...

I guess I have a weary heart.  I know tomorrow will be better... this evening may even be better!  I'll leave you with these thoughts...

"Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive.

One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."

~~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, 

anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."  

~ Anonymous

and when I get weary, I remember...

 The joy of the Lord is your strength.

~ Nehemiah 8:10

Reflections on Life

The New Year is nearly upon me.  I am always surprised by how fast the old year went by.  My days seem to run together... where did they go? 

My mind travels in strange patterns this time of the year.  I find myself missing those who have journeyed on from this life to the next.  I allow myself to feel regret at what was, what wasn't, and what will never be.  A life not lived to the fullest, feels like a life not lived at all.  Night dreams have been haunting me with hopes just out of reach... roads not taken... and roads I wish I'd never taken.  There is a sorrow in saying goodbye to the past that leaves an ache in my throat and in my heart.  Fighting to hold back tears I sit with it for a time, that burning ache, and then I let it go. 

Memories will revisit me again, but for now I lay the past down.  I gaze toward the future, but it is unclear, hazy, hidden in clouds of uncertainty.  The best thing, the only thing, is to live this day.  This beautiful day full of hope and promise.  When I am in the moment, there is no room for doubt, regret, or fear.  There is just thankfulness for everything I see.  Family, friends, and a beautiful world which, on this morning, is covered in a blanket of freshly fallen snow. 

As I leave you to go make myself a cup of hot tea, I hope you are releasing the old... not fretting over tomorrow... but living this moment, with your whole heart.



Copyright 12/30/2009 ajj