Facing Down the Darkness...

This morning, I was reading April Lee's blog post, thought it would go gracefully, where she explores the emotions of dwelling in a dark place. She asked the question, do you face down your dark side now and then. After thinking about it, the following was my response.

"I entered a psychological "new country" about 18 years ago, with the loss of a brother and a bad medical diagnosis, both for me and later one for my mom. It was hard to push back against the darkness, and many days I failed. For me, it's often a battle to look for those pockets of light rather than just giving in to the darkness. There is always light and hope even when I can't see it. Sometimes I have to force myself out of my emotional blanket fort and allow myself to see all the joy and possibilities that are right in front of me."

Come out of the blanket fort and enjoy the light.
Photo credit: Creative Commons use from Pixabay.com

It felt good to think about where I'd been and the struggles I've had against emotional darkness, and realizing I keep coming back out of it. I'm not saying it's easy, it's a continual process for some of us, but it's worth the effort to come out of the blanket fort, allow my eyes to adjust to the light, and realize how wonderful life is no matter what difficulties have come against me. Retreating from life is fine for a time, it can be healing, but we aren't meant to hide away indefinitely. There is a lot of life to be lived and so much to be grateful for.

© 23AUG2018 ajjahner

The In-Between

On the Today Show, they were talking about mental disorders like Bi-polar and anxiety. A little while ago, I read a Facebook post by a family member who struggles with depression and how she handles it. I've struggled most of my life with unseen disorders. They sometimes pull you apart until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. While lost in thought, the first line of this poem came. It's an incomplete work in progress, but since it's poetry month, I decided to share it as is...

There is blood coming down the rafters
from places unseen
Pain and confusion. Desolation
and isolation collide and
implode into heartbreaking
shards of doubt and frustration

There is light reflected on the rafters
from the deep
Faith and communion. Affirmation
and illumination collide and
explode into expanded
stars of hope and exaltation

She stands in the in-between
pulled from one to the other
Praying the light will be
bright enough to save her.

© 11Apr2018 ajjahner

Release...

Sometimes writing about darkness, releases light back into my life. In the wee hours of this day, I wrote about darkness and depression. After I finished, I finally dropped into a deep sleep about 4 a.m. and woke again at 8. The day feels different. Better. I still need more sleep, so a nap is on my agenda for the afternoon, but spilling all my dark thoughts was therapeutic.

My first impulse, when I woke, was to delete my Dark-thirty piece and the Facebook post where I shared it. I've done that before, but I'm not going to this time. Life isn't always perfect. People have moments of darkness, despair, grief. There are so many people struggling with different levels of mental illness and depression. I believe those struggles shouldn't be hidden. Shine a light into any place of darkness and perhaps it will permanently dispel that darkness. Even if it's not permanent, light for any amount of time is comforting and healing to the spirit and to the soul. It brings release from the darkness. It brings hope.

"... I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16 KJV

© 16Mar2015 ajj

Dark-thirty

As my husband would say, it's dark-thirty, and I'm still up! I've been reading Facebook posts, searching through hundreds of photos, and listening to Adele, who is singing "Love Song" at this moment. "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel..."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reflection. I'm trying to visualize how to be effective in reaching the goals I've set for myself. I'm filled with ideas! My imagination is endless! The problem is, what to do with all the thoughts in my head, the loud voices, the amazing ideas!

When you're lost, like a child, there are angels to carry you along.
Some with magical wings, some with a kind word or a casserole.

I once thought I'd make a great writer, because of all the stories that live inside me, but I lack the required discipline. I haven't even kept the simple commitment to this blog.

Recently I convinced myself I must be an introvert, because I love being alone with my books, movies, music. I rarely leave my house. I'm at peace being home alone, or just with my immediate family. I used to be the girl who was the first one out the door, who called all my friends to organize a night out, who loved parties and dancing, talking 50 miles a minute, laughing, living. I told someone recently I must be a split intro/exto-vert.

I'm messy inside. A little "dark and twisty" (a phrase borrowed from Grey's Anatomy). Maybe I need to "dance it out" or sing it out. Maybe I should pray it out. It's late, and I just don't know anymore. My son told me he thought I was very depressed. This is while we were laughing over Season 7 of Top Chef, chatting about food choices, the clutter, life... He's right, I know. My home tells the tale. I've gotten lost in it, surrounded by "stuff" I don't love, but don't have the energy to do anything about. So, I'm baring my thoughts with a few of you, my blogger friends, and with the occasional stranger who might stumble through my little grey gardens.

The light of day will wash most of this away, and everything will be ok. Maybe I will get back to work on that book. It might be important, or it might be nothing at all. There's only one way to find out. It must be written.

© 16Mar2015 ajj

Ahhh, November...

Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  It's the last bit of autumn, the weather is brisk and wonderful!  It leads into my favorite family holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It also happens to be my birth month.  I never feel so alive as I do in November.  For me, it's a time of new beginnings.

Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization.  It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  I remembered who I was.  It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it.  I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.

When I was young, I longed to be a clown.  I even collected clowns.  When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside.  So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends.  It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown.  Those who truly love me have stayed in my life.  They are my great Oak trees!  Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term.  I'm thankful for the great Oaks.  I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers.  I have felt it, and I survived because of it.  I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."

Friends help us through the stormy times...
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)

I've had other "breakthrough" days. Days when I felt like an overcomer, but it has always been tempered with a touch of doubt.  It's because I know life doesn't just bring joy, it brings sorrow, it brings illness, it brings pain. I've always relied on my faith to carry me through those times, and it surprised me to realize how far I'd fallen into the darkness of depression. I'm not even sure when it began, but I know it has clouded my perceptions for a good, long while.

Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know.  I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down.  I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds.  This was both literally and mentally.  I let the sunlight in.  I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them.  I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!


© 02Nov2013 ajjahner

Mental Fog...

Raymond Pert of Kellogg Bloggin' wrote about fog (January 29th post). I tried to leave a comment, but my browser is blocking me AGAIN! (sorry about yelling)

This is a great explanation of mental "fog" that explains what I go through. Mine may complicated with the MS "fog" (and my friends tell me it's also age). All I know is that I have it, and it's miserable to deal with. It's a juggling game... what meds cause depression, what meds help, what side affects are bearable, reduce this one, increase that one.

And no... I am not sad! It's a brain chemistry thing, not a mood thing... And, I do know about moods! I'm in a bit of a cranky one now because of my PC troubles.

Anyway, click on the above link and read the post. It was very enlightening to read his explanation.