Christmas, Relationships, Goodbyes...

There are so many things which go into making Christmas special, in the traditional sense. Baking, shopping for gifts, mailing cards, decorating indoors and out. We've done very little of these this season. We also broke tradition and already started making sandwiches with our special "Christmas" ham, spicy honey mustard, and aged cheddar cheese. I haven't decided what our Christmas dinner will now consist of. We've pretty much decided nobody really enjoys a big turkey. Maybe just a turkey breast with baked sweet potatoes or a roast?

My main goal is to keep it simple. I tried for so many years to create the perfect Christmas. It never ended up being perfect, after all, I don't live in a Norman Rockwell painting, but it was always fun and filled with love. I'm embracing the solitude of the holidays. Our family unit has become very small, and I've lost touch with many extended family members and some old friends. I've been thinking a lot about relationships and the value of reciprocation.

Part of this was due to a realization which hit me pretty hard a couple weeks ago. As much as I loved my dad, if I had been the one to pass on during my first 30 years of life, he might have shed a tear for my passing but it would not have been for me. It would have been for the idea of me, because he never really took the time to get to know me. I saw him at Christmas and at the occasional family gathering, but he was usually talking with his siblings, and we never shared more than a word or two. I still loved him, who couldn't love a guy with a laugh like that? I loved hearing him sing and the way his eyes twinkled when something tickled his sense of humor. If he had passed on during my first 30 years, I would have wept, not for him, but for the idea of him and who I longed for him to be. A father, a daddy, a friend.

Fortunately for us, we became reunited in the later years of his life. We did become father and daughter. We became friends. We had a relationship, and when he did pass, I wept for who he was to me, for a beautiful human being I still miss to this day.

The lesson is to remember love takes effort, it takes connection. It's a two way street, not a one way road. If you close the door, if you don't make the "journey" towards a relationship, you will never know who you were missing. When that inevitable day comes when they leave this life for good, will your tears be from the loss of not knowing them or from the sadness of saying goodbye to a heart you knew so dearly and so well? Either way is a loss, but one is definitely better than the other, in my opinion. It's also about finding peace in whatever the circumstances may be.

© 14Dec2015 ajj

Updating Has Begun...

I've considered updating my blog for a long time, but lethargy set in, and I just didn't have the push to do it. With autumn weather really arriving, and thoughts of family and holidays, I began to think about change. There has been a lot of unplanned change in my life over the past several years, but I've neglected to make many of the changes I wanted for myself. I started by reviewing my blog. Step one was to post a more current and honest photo of myself. I feel I haven't aged well, at least not as well as many of my contemporaries.

I always believed my appearance wasn't that important to me, but I discovered I had a little more concern about it than I had realized. My last photo was from about 8 years ago. The new photo you're seeing is from this past June, taken by my husband while we were out at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants.  I look older than I imagine myself, but what stood out for me is how happy I was that day. I was out on a date with my husband, which we don't do very often, and we were having a wonderful time. That's what is most important to life. Not looks, wealth, or other status.  Finding the joy in relationships, enjoying our lives, and loving others! What more could we want?

I've removed some of the pictures, tags, and links from my sidebar. Freshened up the color and text. It's a beginning. Now that I've begun, I feel like there are going to be even more changes coming soon.

What I Will Miss...

I wrote this list several years ago, when my health was very bad. I wanted to remind myself to appreciate each day. To embrace and cherish all the little things. To think about the things I would miss. These were a few which came to mind that day.

The sound of laughter

The way my husband looks at me, with love

The smiles of my sons... the way their eyes light up

Music

Rain, the sound, the smell

Lilacs

Hugs

Tears

Kisses

The call of the mourning dove

Seeing an eagle in flight

Clouds

The feel of grass between my toes

Coffee

Chocolate

Dreams

Live each moment. Cherish life. Love yourself and one another. Treasure the small things.

© 23Oct2015 ajj

Things We Take For Granted...

There are things I often take for granted. Oddly, my health is one of them. Even with the struggles I've had, I still forget it's something to be thankful for, to be cared for and nurtured. Over the past couple of months, I've had some big reminders as I struggle against some setbacks.

Time with family is another. When everyone is around, I tend to forget to focus on the moments as they're happening. I get wrapped up in the busyness of activity. I need to remember to be taking those mental snapshots, pasting them into my memory. Physical photos can disappear, but the things we carry in our hearts remain with us.

Since Valentine's Day is approaching, I've been thinking about the things I love and what I hold dear. My greatest treasures are my husband and my sons. Each one is irreplaceable. Each one is unique. Each one is loved. I don't often try to put my love for them into words. It's not easy to describe adequately, but they are my heart! I love them beyond measure, beyond words, beyond anything else in my life. If I had nothing else in this life, they would be more than enough!

Pushing Through the Pain...

It's been a while since I shared much about my journey with MS.  The last three weeks have been very difficult physically.  I had to swallow my pride and have my husband put my walker back in the car, in order for me to even leave the house.  It's been a long time since I had to use a walker.  The timing has been difficult, because we've been on the countdown toward my youngest son leaving the nest.  Move-in day at college is this Saturday!  I had plans for joyful shopping trips and last minute fun moments together, but this recent attack on my body made it nearly impossible.  A few days ago, I had to be placed on a heart monitor for 24 hours, and they took an ultrasound of my heart... no results yet, though I'm fairly certain they will decide it was something called an MS "hug" that I was experiencing.  They increased my pain medication, added steroids and muscle relaxants...  The results were that my face and neck swelled up night before last, and I woke in the wee hours of the morning fighting for air.  This is apparently from the steroids.  I'm feeling much more myself today, although I will still be using my walker and/or canes for the time being.

When I'm tempted to let the "dark days" take over, I have to remind myself how blessed I am.

~ I have family and friends who love me, and pray for me.
~ I'm still able to do many things I love.
~ There are those much worse off than I am.
~ I'm one of the fortunate ones with a good health insurance.

I have a faith that sustains me, even on days when I just want to sit and cry like a small child.  When those days come, and they do, I can find my way out of the darkness because of that faith.

It also helps to read about what others are facing in their lives, and how they deal with it.  I've shared many times about Baby Gabe, and his journey.  Here is a link to an uplifting blog I just discovered.  The writer is Jenn, and she shares about Gabe's birthday balloon release, and about her own journey with an invisible illness.  I think it will bless you, it certainly blessed me...  Her blog is called Chasing Joy.  Then, take just a moment to read Julia's Happy Birthday post for little Gabe, here at The Four of Us.  It is beautiful!

Well, my youngest just walked into the house... time to get busy on that list of things we want to fit into the next two days!  Wishing you a day filled with love and simple joys...






 

Day 11 - Beginnings, In Regard to Relationships

I can't let today go by without mentioning my grandpa.  Today is his birthday and thoughts of him have flooded my mind.  With people I love, there are certain signatures that they imprint into my memories.  This happens at the beginning of any type of relationship for me.  Over time things are added to that list, but there are always the very significant ones.  With my grandpa, it is the following:

His laugh - indescribable, infectious, pure joy
His prayers - heartfelt, sincere, coming from a deep commitment and trust
His singing - off-key, joyful, with gusto
His hands - strong yet gentle, raised in worship, reaching for a handshake, turning the pages of his Bible
His eyes - laughing, brightest blue, seeing and still loving

In the beginning... with God, with family, with friends.  There are things which make an imprint, they are written on our hearts.  These are the important things.

Grandpa & Grandma... Love...

Hello Friends...

Christmas has come and gone.  It's been a busy month.  Every time I thought about posting, something always seemed to take priority.  A lot of things went by the wayside, but my family had a joyful, quiet Christmas. 

Like many of you, I'm looking forward to the new year.  I have expectations of better things ahead.  I'm not alone when I say, this has been a difficult year for us in finances, health, and the unexpected.  It has also been a year of growth.  I've had to make the best of every situation, sometimes finding new ways of looking at life.  Some things were lost, some set aside, and some were restored.  My faith has been strengthened through it all.  Despite all the negative voices, I believe in a bright future!  Sometimes it's nice to just turn off the TV, the radio, the noise, and spend some hopeful time in quiet contemplation. 

I'm wishing you renewed faith, quiet moments, the love of family & friends, and a New Year filled with peace.

Reflections...

Autumn is always a time of reflection for me.  Today is especially poignant.  October 7th was my grandparents anniversary.  They married very young.  They weathered so many things that life tossed at them, and made a decision to stay together, through the wonderful and through the sad.  That decision wasn't made once, on that long ago wedding day.  It was made over, and over again.  When the storm winds came, when doubts assailed, when tears fell like autumn rain, they made the decision to stay. 

As I look back on my life, I can see where their example influenced my decisions to stick it out.  Not easy, but it was right for me.  I'm not saying some folks shouldn't part ways.  I've seen lives begin again, in beautiful ways, when two people realize they are creating more pain than joy.  For me, working through the hard times has made me a stronger, happier person.  I have a husband who really knows me.  He knows me better than my own family does, and so far, he hasn't run screaming from the house.  I am so blessed. 

On this crisp, cloudy, beautiful autumn day, I can say that I am happy for the journey.  For all of it!  Bumps in the road, storms, tears and all.  The hard times have made the sweet, even better.  Remind me of that, the next time I'm having "one of those days" and am feeling inconsolable.  Sunshine and cool breezes are just around the corner.  God doesn't leave us... we leave Him... just tell me to turn around and look.  He is right there.  Love is right there, and it was there all the time.

30 Wonderful Years...

One of my favorite photos of us...

My sweet husband and I are celebrating our 30th Wedding Anniversary today!  It's amazing to reflect on who we were in the beginning, and who we have become over the years.  We've had extreme joys, some devastating hardships, and a lot of "every day normal" in between.  Somehow we've come through it all, intact and still in love.

I'm not naive enough to think we have any special "magic" that kept us together.  It's a mix of love, forgiveness, faith, commitment, and so many other things that just worked for us.  And for all of that, I feel grateful, and so blessed!  My hope is that we'll still be together, "till death do us part" and if possible, even beyond that.

Honey... thank you for the love, the laughter, for our boys, for your compassion, your strength, and your commitment.  Thank you for seeing me... the real me, that nobody else knows.  Thank you for continuing to look at me like I'm still that young woman you fell in love with.  Thank you for trusting me with your heart, like I trust you with mine. 

To my friends, I wish you love... Have a beautiful day!

Sunday Scribblings - Eternity

It's time for Sunday Scribblings.  Go to My Sunday Scribblings to see earlier pieces.  Or click "Home" at the end of the post, and take a look at my full blog. 

The prompt is Eternity... For some reason, this was a difficult prompt for me.  I decided to take a look at how I see the "foreverness" of my life today.  When I was married, in my early 20's, life seemed to be endlessly stretching out in front of me.  Funny how time changes things.  I chose to try poetry again.  I hope you enjoy the attempt.  Thanks for stopping by...


Eternity is different at 55
We're still alive
Survived

Life's expanse seemed to stretch forever
We vowed to never
Sever

The dot at the end of the line
A flashing sign
Resigned

Almost see the finish ahead
But we're not dead
Instead

Love expands and grows ever strong
No sounding gong
Ends this song


Copyright 23JAN11 ajj

October!

I love October!  It's been a week of cooler temperatures... perfect for me.  I'm listening to Mahalia sing "I'm Gonna Live The Life I Sing About In My Song"...  Love it.  Makes me want to hug my Grandma... sending love heavenward... Yesterday would have been her and Grandpa's anniversary.  It is my uncle and aunt's, and my cousin's... Happy Anniversary to Burt and Pat, Kent and Robin... and also to another cousin, Elverta and Bud.  Celebrate your love!

My priorities have been to continue filling donation boxes and spending some quality time with my family.  There is a peace in my home that was missing for a while.  It came from my heart... battered, broken, frustrated, sad... the peace also comes from my heart.  There is a healing power when you give over everything, and just let God's peace cover you.   I miss my loved ones who are no longer with me.  Maybe that's weak.  Whatever... I will always miss them.  Sometimes tears will come.  It doesn't mean I don't know they are in a better place.  It means I wish I could pick up the phone and share a moment; I wish I could have one more hug; just one more shared laugh.  But, "It is well with my soul..." and I don't fear death... I did when I was a young woman, but that fell by the wayside on this journey of my life.

Autumn memories... beautiful, nostalgic, poignant... I feel them with every breath.  I love my life.  I love those who were, and who are, a part of it.

Blessings to you, my dear friends!
Nita Jo


copyright 10-08-10 ajj

I Love My White Shoes!

This is the sweetest story!  

It's got a message that's great for adults as well as children.

 You'll want to pause my Playlist music before playing the video.

 

Keep walkin' along... 

It's all good!

Sunday Scribblings - Message

This is a short piece of fiction I created for Sunday Scribblings.  To read posts from other participants, click HERE.  To read my older submissions click HERE. 

The Message

She stared at the phone.  No message, nothing.  How long since anyone had called?  It was just too much to take.  Tears streamed down her cheeks, falling, leaving the evidence of their journey on the legs of her blue jeans.

When had she become obsolete?  When had she disappeared into a place where the silence was so deep that there were no longer friends, or even messages from friends?  Maybe the machine was broken.  She gathered up some change and left the apartment.  About a block away was a payphone.  It felt odd standing there.  Pay phones were quickly becoming extinct because so many people now carried cell phones.  She might too, except for the tight budget she was on.

Dropping the change into the slot, she listened for the dial tone and then began to punch in her number.  There it was, the distant ringing of the phone.  After six or seven times, the machine picked up.  “Hi!  I’m not here, but I hate to miss your call.  Please leave me a message after the tone and I’ll call you back.”   She heard the tone.  Without thinking, she began to speak, “Hi Stacy, how have things been?  You are a good person.  You should have lots of friends lining up to spend time with you.  Don’t be sad when they don’t leave messages.  Life just gets so busy.  It doesn’t mean you are not loved.”

Stacy looked at the receiver in her hand, and then hung it up.  She walked quickly home, unlocked the door, and went immediately to the telephone.  One message, it said, the red light blinking.  She pressed the button and listened to the message.  It made her smile.  When it reached the end, Stacy pressed save.  There would always be a message waiting for her now.  A message that someone cared.  It didn’t matter that it was from her.  Doesn’t being loved, start with learning to love yourself?  That’s what she’d always been told.  Stacy walked into the kitchen and picked up the cup of pills she’d been planning to take.  She poured them down the disposal, turned the water on and flicked the switch.  A second of grinding was all it took.  Her shoulders felt lighter.  She could breathe again.  Somewhere deep inside of her a voice had cried out and she had heard it.  Message received. 


Copyright February 11, 2010 ajj (revised from original 01-13-10)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I had to laugh when I saw today's calendar page (below). 

Photo removed due to Copyright Issues.  Sorry...

That's about how I feel on Thanksgiving... all the preparation, cooking, cleanup... which involves deboning the leftover bird... "Turkey Schmurkey" just about says it for me!





This year is different though. No extra family members will be sharing dinner with us, and I will miss that part of the day. It will just be my little family of four. The fun part is, three of us voted out the turkey! We will be dining on roast chicken! It is one of my favorites, and my sweet husband agreed he would be fine without the traditional bird. He also baked two pumpkin pies earlier in the evening. PJ is the pastry chef in our home, and he's great at it! The house smells lovely... shades of cinnamon and spice.



My job starts in a few hours... making the layered salad, veggie trays, sweet potatoes, stuffing, and getting the chicken in the oven. All this will be done with the traditional sounds of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade playing in the background.

I love Thanksgiving! It's a time of sharing good food, fun, and memories with my family. I wish each and every one of you a day of joy. May it be filled with the making of new memories, lots of love, and shared laughter.

Blessings!
Nita Jo

"Nobody can make you feel inferior

without your permission."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you ever give people "permission" to make you feel a certain way? I know I have. Sometimes in the glaring "critique" of someone else's eyes or words, I've allowed myself to become inferior. So, the fault does not lie at the feet of the other person, it lies in my heart. And the word, lies, can be taken either way... to rest with me... or to deceive me.

I can't remember the exact moment I realized this truth. I do know, from that moment on, I took hold of an inner peace I'd never had before. It's as if the curtains were thrown wide open. No matter what someone else may think or feel about me, it is important to find out what I think of me.

I must have my own moral compass; that compass must be tempered by what I believe to be true. My moral compass tells me I have to be responsible to my heavenly Father. I must do my best to share His love and compassion to others; to extend His forgiveness, His strength, His word.

I am not a minister, or a teacher. I am not a Bible scholar, or a prophet. I am a believer, and as a believer I must be aware of my opportunities to touch another heart. It was a big step when I realized, I have been given control over certain deceiving emotions. With Christ dwelling in my heart, who should I feel inferior to? If I love the Lord, I must love myself as He loved me. And, in loving myself, it frees me to love others as Christ loves them.

It is a beautiful gift to recognize I do not walk alone; therefore, I can release any threads of inferiority that threaten to bring me down. I am so blessed...


Copyright November 17, 2009 ajj

The Healing Love in a Hug

The touch of a hand, a smile, a hug... sometimes that's all it takes to turn the day around. A few days ago, I forced myself to go visit Grandma Martha. I hadn't been feeling well. I was so tired, but I could not shake the small voice that said "go"; I pulled myself together, combed my hair, and headed out.

When I arrived, I had to wait. They'd changed the security code. I finally made my way over to the dining area. Scanning the faces of the ladies, I didn't see her at first, then she raised her hand in a wave. On her face was a huge smile. As I came closer, Grandma raised both arms into the air for a hug. It was all I could do not to weep. She looked so small, sitting in her wheelchair with upraised arms. I bent down, and she pulled me in close and held on so tight. It was a long, healing embrace. I sailed back to my childhood, to the safety I always felt in Grandma's arms; I hope I brought her that same feeling of safety, of love. I owe her so much, this once powerful woman of God. She taught me to pray; she taught me to sing; she showed me how powerful faith could be; she lay beside me on my bed, praying for healing, when I was near death.

How do I say "thank you" when she doesn't remember all she's done; when the memories of her life are confused and clouded over? How can I make up for all that I left unsaid? It has to be in the small things; the hugs, the holding of her hands, giving love and comfort. She no longer appreciates the grand gestures, the expensive gifts. Now it's all about what the heart can appreciate. Even when the mind isn't clear, the body, the soul, and the spirit can be touched with the healing love of an embrace.

As I left that day, I turned at the door to wave. She was smiling and waving just as I knew she would be. My drive home was much more joyful than the drive there had been. My heart had been touched with the healing power of a smile and a hug.



copyright 08/29/2009 ajj

28 Years and Counting...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Fourth of July! I spent the day relaxing. I watched the movie I selected for Nita's Challenge over at Red Tin Heart. I will post about that in a day or so.

The new song selection is for my husband, PJ! Today is our wedding anniversary! We have been married for 28 years! When I think back over time, we have come through a lot. It's been quite a journey for us.

I was twenty four, and PJ was 23... don't we look young and happy! This was taken at the wedding reception. We decided to have a simple wedding. We were married on a Sunday, right after the morning church service. Our reception was a few days later, following our honeymoon to the Oregon Coast.

We had a whirlwind romance... we were married just 5 weeks from our first date! A bit crazy maybe, but we knew what we wanted. I don't advise that for most people, but it worked for us. A lot of rumors were put to rest when I didn't have my first child until 5 years later. Lol!

After the ceremony was finished, we met the family at our favorite Chinese restaurant, Golden Star. It is still a favorite of ours!

One thing I know for sure... I love PJ more today than I could have ever imagined all those years ago. I'm looking forward to what life brings us next. Whatever it is, we will be enjoying the adventure together!

Well, I can't decide if I'm up too early or stayed awake too late... whichever it is, I am going to go take a "nap" so I will be able to enjoy the rest of the day without nodding off.

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone...

and to my sweet husband...

I Love You Honey! Happy Anniversary!

What I Must Do

My son marched in the Gay Pride parade last week. He marched for the rights of two of his cousins that we love dearly; he marched for the rights of some close friends; he marched for the rights of people he doesn't even know. His picture was in the local online newspaper with one of his cousins. This made me truly fearful, and I had to pray for peace. There are so many "haters" in this world. I'm not talking about people of faith who express what they believe. I'm talking about people who, sometimes in the name of faith, feel the right to maim or even murder those who are different. If "gay" is a sin, is the solution to admonish or punish with violence?

I have lived through tumultuous times in my years on this earth; civil rights, equality for women, Vietnam and other wars, abortion rights, gay rights. The one thing I know for sure is that I am not qualified to judge another. I make my decisions based on my own moral compass; by what I believe God has asked of me. I feel I have a charge, a mission, for my life; to serve God the best way I can, to bless my family with love and care, to be a peacemaker, to love the unloved and even the unlovely, to share my heart and the Christ in me.

My son told me of two different groups who were also at the Gay Pride Parade. Each was a church group. One waved signs of opposition and shouted angrily. The other church group handed out bottles of water and smiles. Guess which group touched the hearts of the marchers.

My salvation was earned with Christ's sacrifice. In my life, I know I've had areas of sin. The grace and mercy of God was given freely to me. How can I not honor that gift and extend it to others? By dealing with grace and mercy, I hope I can touch hearts. To those who do not know God, I hope I can show how real He is to me. To those who know God, their walk with Him is a personal journey. I am not qualified to sit in judgement. I am qualified to share the blessing of God's love, so that's what I must do.

Sunday Scribblings - Invitation

Time for Sunday Scribblings again (see the link on my side bar to read all the entries). The prompt this week is "Invitation". Here is a short story I wrote on the subject:

Invitation to the Past

The light was blinking on the answering machine. She'd kept the land line even though she didn't use it anymore. All of her personal and business contacts came to her cell phone or email.

She'd had the same phone number since 1974. Since she hadn't moved from her home town, she was able to transfer her number with each address change. The question now was why?

Without listening, she knew who it was from. She could hear the sound of his voice, the slightly pleading tone. After almost 30 years, he still called. The old flame. She'd walked away when he cheated on her. No regrets. The first call came in the second year of his marriage; "Can we just meet for a coke? You said we could still be friends." But it was there, just under the surface. The certain knowledge that it was more than coke and conversation that he wanted. She gently closed the door, not wanting to be harsh. "It just isn't a good idea." "I'm seeing someone and he would not like it." "I'll always care for you... yes, we were in love... no, I just can't see you."

Over the years he continued to call, always with the invitation. And always, she was gentle. There was no need to be mean. The past was the past and she held no bitterness. She'd forgiven and forgotten. Maybe that was the problem. She'd forgotten. She'd heard stories over the years. His ruined marriages and relationships. He could not stop cheating.

She was totally and completely in love. She'd met a man who shared her convictions. They enjoyed many of the same things. And, he was open to try new things that she loved, like visiting museums and listening to jazz.

She sat in the big plush chair next to the phone, the light blinking steadily. Slowly she reached over, picked up the receiver and looked. The caller ID had confirmed what she already knew. She dialed, and waited patiently. A friendly voice answered and she responded, "Hello, I'd like to have this number disconnected." "No, I won't be needing another connection at this time. Can you get it done right away?" "Thank you so much."

Taking the receiver, she placed it in the cradle. She knew without a doubt that she had prolonged this moment with her kindness. If she'd been blunt or angry, it would have ended sooner. Standing, she walked over to the wall and unplugged the line. She wrapped it around the old, familiar phone, then walked to the hall closet and placed it in a donation box.

It's done. No more guilt over a love that had been destroyed, and had died, so many years ago. No more blinking red light. No more invitations to turn down.

She'd received a beautiful vase of flowers from her new love last night. Carefully, she moved them to the spot where the telephone had sat. They looked lovely there, and there was just enough room for a photo. A photo of her new love, holding her.


copyright 09/19/08

Favorite Quote

I have a collection of favorite quotes. Here's my favorite for today:

"May those who love us, love us; and those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping."

- Author Unknown

Not very Godly, but it gives me a chuckle...

Hmmm... Wonder why I've been limping?!?