Christmas, Relationships, Goodbyes...

There are so many things which go into making Christmas special, in the traditional sense. Baking, shopping for gifts, mailing cards, decorating indoors and out. We've done very little of these this season. We also broke tradition and already started making sandwiches with our special "Christmas" ham, spicy honey mustard, and aged cheddar cheese. I haven't decided what our Christmas dinner will now consist of. We've pretty much decided nobody really enjoys a big turkey. Maybe just a turkey breast with baked sweet potatoes or a roast?

My main goal is to keep it simple. I tried for so many years to create the perfect Christmas. It never ended up being perfect, after all, I don't live in a Norman Rockwell painting, but it was always fun and filled with love. I'm embracing the solitude of the holidays. Our family unit has become very small, and I've lost touch with many extended family members and some old friends. I've been thinking a lot about relationships and the value of reciprocation.

Part of this was due to a realization which hit me pretty hard a couple weeks ago. As much as I loved my dad, if I had been the one to pass on during my first 30 years of life, he might have shed a tear for my passing but it would not have been for me. It would have been for the idea of me, because he never really took the time to get to know me. I saw him at Christmas and at the occasional family gathering, but he was usually talking with his siblings, and we never shared more than a word or two. I still loved him, who couldn't love a guy with a laugh like that? I loved hearing him sing and the way his eyes twinkled when something tickled his sense of humor. If he had passed on during my first 30 years, I would have wept, not for him, but for the idea of him and who I longed for him to be. A father, a daddy, a friend.

Fortunately for us, we became reunited in the later years of his life. We did become father and daughter. We became friends. We had a relationship, and when he did pass, I wept for who he was to me, for a beautiful human being I still miss to this day.

The lesson is to remember love takes effort, it takes connection. It's a two way street, not a one way road. If you close the door, if you don't make the "journey" towards a relationship, you will never know who you were missing. When that inevitable day comes when they leave this life for good, will your tears be from the loss of not knowing them or from the sadness of saying goodbye to a heart you knew so dearly and so well? Either way is a loss, but one is definitely better than the other, in my opinion. It's also about finding peace in whatever the circumstances may be.

© 14Dec2015 ajj

Thinking of Dads...

I haven't done very well with this months NaBloPoMo.  The theme this month is Relative.  Sadly, my reasons are family related.  My father-in-law is still in the hospital.  It's been 13 days now.  My husband has made two trips to see him, and plans to go again soon.  He and his sister are trying to coordinate visits.  It's a really difficult thing to be so far away. 

Today is also my dad's birthday.  He's been gone for many years, but I always think of him on his birthday.  I still miss him.  Sending "Happy Birthday" wishes heavenward!  If your dad is still around, give him a phone call or a great big hug today...

About Dad

I had two fathers in my life.  My biological dad, and my grandpa that raised me from the age of 8 years old.  I have posted about both of them previously.   Go to Happy Birthday Dad, to read about my dad and see a couple of photos.  Go to Fathers Day Reflections to read about both, but with a little more focus on my grandpa. 

My Dad... around 1956

What stands out to me as I think about my dad, was his absence.  I remember him telling me how he'd never lived up to his dreams.  How he should have been there for me.  Even as I told him it was ok, I really did agree.  He wasn't there for me.  Whatever drove him to make the life choices he made, it did have the effect of creating a void with his children.  I loved him anyway, but I always wished for more.  He never came to a piano recital, or a school performance.  He missed nearly every birthday.  He was absent.

How do you love a person like that?  I can't tell you, I just did.  I loved him deeply.  I saw myself in him, but I vowed I'd never let my children feel that kind of abandonment.  On the good side, he made me laugh.  I loved hearing him sing.  I treasure every moment I spent with him.  There weren't enough moments, but each brief visit was special to me. 
 
I was privileged to spend more time with him before he died.  He had come back into my life, just not soon enough.  Before long, we found out he had cancer.  Then he was gone.  Memories of my dad are bittersweet, but the sweet outweighs the bitter for me.


© 02FEB2012 ajj

Day 2 - Beginnings, My Journey with Writing

Last night I made a list of life events to look at for the NaBloPoMo prompt, Beginnings.  One that came immediately to mind was the beginning of this blog.  It began in the spring of 2008.  A dear friend of mine had a blog I'd been reading.  She knew how much I enjoyed writing and encouraged me to blog.   It was so foreign to me.  It took a while just to get through the setup and then the writing began.

I've written about a lot of things since that beginning.  Mostly about family and my daily life.  I was writing for myself and also for my mom, who had passed on.  Back in the 90's I'd started a book.  It was intended to be a romantic mystery along the lines of a Victoria Holt or Phyllis Whitney.  I had written about six chapters and let my mom read it.  She was so excited about the book and couldn't wait for me to finish.  During that time, my dad was fighting to survive cancer.  He didn't make it.  I felt such guilt that I'd been busy writing, instead of spending more time with him.  I set the book aside.  It was only meant to be for a while, but I never went back to it.  Mom would ask about it from time to time, encouraging me to finish but it didn't happen.

I satisfied my writing urges with a monthly church newsletter.  That worked for a season of my life.  My friend Carol, of Silver Valley Stories, had been doing our church newsletter.  When she moved back to Northern Idaho, she recommended me for the job.  It was a blessing in so many ways.  Carol is also the friend who inspired me to begin blogging.  When my days doing the newsletter ended, I had my blog to satisfy those writing urges.  I've done some poetry and short stories, as part of Sunday Scribblings, as well as sharing about my family life.  As I continue to write about "Beginnings" this month, I will have to look back at that first book attempt.  It may be time to dust it off, or maybe it's time for a brand new beginning.

 © 02JAN12 ajj

I'm still here...

Busy life these days.  I've been getting over a cold, working on projects, making Christmas shopping lists.  My 55th birthday came and went.  It was a good day, other than being a bit under the weather.  This birthday made me very reflective about my life, because my dad passed away at 55 from cancer.  When it happened, I thought he was way too young to be gone.  Nothing has made that more clear than reaching 55 myself.  I have so much life I still want to live... so many things waiting to be done.  It's a wake-up call to get with it.  Make time for the people I love.  Do the things I've been putting off.  Appreciate every day that I'm given.  I'm so thankful for my life, my family, my friends.  Wishing each of you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Birthday Dad...

I was about a year old when this was taken.

Grandpa & Grandma (who raised me) and my Daddy

I still miss my dad.  Today is his birthday.  My dad didn't play a big role in my life, but you couldn't help loving him.  He was funny, interesting, and well... I was always told I was stubborn, just like him.  It's true... I am! 

I loved to hear him sing... he sounded a little like Merle Haggard, and he had a great laugh.  He's been gone for almost 21 years... seems like only a moment ago.  Gone, never forgotten.  Sending love heavenward...

Father's Day Reflections

Well, I made it through another Father's Day. My dad passed 18 years ago but my grandpa, who holds the title of "father" in my heart passed, away just under two years ago.


First dad... He was a funny, warm man who popped in for the occasional birthday or holiday. Sometimes he'd bring my brother with him. That was always a treat! Sis and I loved playing with RR. Dad would usually pick up a guitar at some point and start playing "Keys to the Kingdom". He had a Merle Haggerty kind of country voice. Grandma would often harmonize in her low, low alto/tenor. Good times!


Dad became more of a regular fixture in our lives after the birth of my Sis's first child. The first grandchild... a granddaughter. I remember he brought her a stuffed Garfield the cat for her first birthday party. Two years later, Sis added another granddaughter, and I added his first grandson to the family. Two of my favorite pictures of him are with his first granddaughter and grandson. The final years we spent getting to know him were very special ones, filled with shared stories and laughter.


Grandpa became "father" to me when I was 8 years old... long story to be saved for another day. Anyway, he was the best. A gospel minister who loved to sing in a painfully offkey voice, but the joy that came with that voice was infectious. He drove my sister and I to school every morning and he had made up a little tune that we all sang together. "The sun's gonna shine this morning..." we'd chime in "Yeah, yeah, yeah" (a kind of Beatles after part). It would set us off laughing. Grandpa had a laugh that would lift the heart.

Here I am at Christmas time at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

I just found this photo recently and I love it. Grandpa almost always had that smile on his face! I couldn't find the pictures of my Dad with the grandkids so I'll have to add them at a later time.

My grandpa loved to garden. He tended the vegetables and flowers with equal care. He loved his grapevine and his gooseberry bushes. For years, he mowed the lawn in an old pair of slacks and a white button up shirt... usually long-sleeved. I still remember when he was given a denim jacket and a pair of jeans. He put them on, and he looked so out of character. My whole life I had never seen him in jeans!


My grandpa took special pride in a lilac "tree". He carefully tended one slender lilac branch, pruning away each year until it had thickened into a trunk and grew into a beautiful little tree. There were some who laughed at his little "stick" in the ground that were later amazed at how lovely it turned out to be.

I love the fact that I have so many good memories to dwell on. Sure, there were some hard times, but I have so much joy to remember. I like to think there were lessons learned from the difficulties, but the best lessons came from the love and the laughter that we shared.