Chapters...

I saw this quote on Facebook today...

"Everyone has a chapter they don't want to read out loud..."
(It was attributed to Toby Mac, but the internet is filled with misquotes so I'm not 100% certain)

It got me thinking. I have some of those chapters. Maybe I don't want to read them out loud, but more and more I want to write it all down. Every chapter, every paragraph of my life was part of creating the person you know today. Pain as well as joy. Created by God, but shaped and formed by what I experienced in this world. Yes, He's there to help, but he doesn't always shield us from the blows, the cruelty, the abuse.

We walk through life and all it's experiences. Our hope is in knowing we are always loved by our Creator. He knows our pain. He knows we grow from our experiences, so He does not keep us in safe, controlled hot houses. Some flourish, no matter what they are put through. Some are destroyed, unable to understand why He left them hanging. Perhaps I am somewhere in the middle, not destroyed but not always victorious. I'm human. I fail. I hurt. I rejoice. I overcome. I'm alive. I am His in all my chapters, in all my various hues.

© 27Jul2016 ajj

What I Will Miss...

I wrote this list several years ago, when my health was very bad. I wanted to remind myself to appreciate each day. To embrace and cherish all the little things. To think about the things I would miss. These were a few which came to mind that day.

The sound of laughter

The way my husband looks at me, with love

The smiles of my sons... the way their eyes light up

Music

Rain, the sound, the smell

Lilacs

Hugs

Tears

Kisses

The call of the mourning dove

Seeing an eagle in flight

Clouds

The feel of grass between my toes

Coffee

Chocolate

Dreams

Live each moment. Cherish life. Love yourself and one another. Treasure the small things.

© 23Oct2015 ajj

Some thoughts and a short poem...

I have not lived up to my bargain to post every day this month.  It's been a crazy, sad, busy time for my family.  Dealing with the loss of a loved one takes a lot out of you.  My husband and I just returned from a trip to his father's home.  We met his sister and her friend there, and we spent a hectic weekend sorting through years of accumulation.  There was, and still is, a lot of stuff.  The one nice thing is, it was very organized.  We donated and recycled what we could, but two pick-up loads still went to the landfill.  Some precious treasures went home with my sister-in-law and with us.  There is still a lot to do, but it's mostly cleaning, small repairs, and painting in preparation to possibly sell the home one day.  There is no rush on that.

Every room in the house was filled with memories, as was the yard and the garden.  It was like whispers, too quiet to hear, but definitely all around.  Poignant, palpable, precious....

Silent rooms and
walls with dusty photographs
Paintings created, hung with loving hands

A chair, a throw,
favorite jacket in the hall
Symbols of the life they once enveloped

Quiet whispers
of voices no longer heard
but hanging in the air, just beyond reach

Memories linking
hearts to hearts, throughout time
Unbroken chain of life continues on

© 17APR2012 ajjahner

Change...

It comes, and then goes
like breezes on a summer's day,
or ice melting in the sun.
When the water runs,
then trickles away
til the stones are
dry again, and warm,
and no trace remains
of what once was.
Life changes
and moves on.

 © 06APR2012 ajjahner

Real Life or Dreams...

I haven't been using the NaBloPoMo daily prompts this week.  I just didn't have the time, or the focus, to keep at it.  I decided to go back and try a couple that I'd missed.  Today I've chosen the prompt for Thursday.  Would you rather have a video copy of your dreams or a datebook that contains the events of every day of your life?

This is a difficult choice.  I find my memory is not what it used to be, so the idea of a datebook filled with all the events of my life is a tempting one.  Family, holidays, friends, so many wonderful things, but to be honest, a whole lot of boring.  Day after day, getting up, getting dressed, going to school, to work, wherever, doing dishes or laundry, filling the car with gas, balancing the checkbook.  You see where this is going. 

My dreams, on the other hand, have been filled with adventure, premonitions, family, friends, strangers.  I've traveled to unknown cities, and I've been in the mountains.  Swam underwater, something I'd never do in real life.  Faced monsters and fears, been in terrible accidents, been killed, but lived to tell about it, because it was a dream.  I generally dream in full technicolor, though a couple of times in black and white when I was young. 

For me, the choice is easy.  I'd choose the video of my dreams.  That would provide hours of entertainment and adventure, and I'd love to see those forgotten details.  You know, the ones you can't quite remember when you wake up, no matter how hard you try.  Yes, for me, it's the dreams!

© 10MAR2012 aj

Write...

"I'm caught in a dream.  
Reality doesn't seem real anymore, 

and I'm lost inside my own mind."

Have you ever felt that way?  What do you do when life seems overwhelming?  Where do you go?

I've always turned to my faith, my family, & my friends.  I have also used writing as an outlet.  I think it's time for me to get back into my writing.  It's always been an escape for me.  A release.

"When life gets hard... write!"  I pulled out a book I started years ago and began to reread it.  Now it's talking to me.  It's time to revisit that idea, that place.   Time to get serious about my dreams...

I just have to add this quote a friend posted on her wall: 

"Read, read, read.  Read everything... trash, classics, good, and bad, and see how they do it.  Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master.  Read!  You'll absorb it.  Then write.  If it is good, you'll find out.  If it's not, throw it out the window."  ~ William Faulkner

Maybe I've always been afraid to find out that it's just not good enough.  I'm over it!  Time to get to work and find out!

Departures and Arrivals

The circle of life goes on and on...  Today, as one family gathers to say their final goodbyes to a precious daughter, another family gathers to welcome a new life into this world.

Beautiful Elizabeth...

Make-A-Wish moment... Elizabeth & Matt Shadow from Avenged Sevenfold, her favorite band

This past weekend, Elizabeth Sandra, Lizzy, left this life for the next.  My heart goes out to her family and friends, with special prayers for her parents, grandparents, and her brothers and sisters. Today will be a hard day for them.  They surrounded Elizabeth with their love for 17 years.  I pray that even in their pain, they will also feel God's love and peace.  I also want to thank those of you who have prayed for her, and are still praying for her family.

Last night, my cousin's daughter had her fourth child, a tiny little girl.  Iris Jane, after two of her great grandmothers.  She is my aunt and uncle's 6th great grandchild.  They say she is both great and grand!

In between the goodbyes and the hellos, a lot of living goes on.  This day is a reminder for me, to enjoy each precious minute we have with those we love.  To celebrate their lives every single day.  And to let those you love, know that you do love them.

There's Still Time

It's late and I should be sleeping, but my head is all tangled up with thoughts.  I am turning 54 later on this fall.  My life is more than half over, unless I live to be the very stately age of 108 or beyond.  This fact doesn't frighten me.  It does make me curious though... have I accomplished the life goals that are most important to me?  I've done the best I knew in raising my boys, and in dealing with family relationships and situations.  When I was able to work outside the home, I worked hard and I loved it.  I've served God as I understood serving.  I hope I have honored Him.  I am still a work in progress and continue to reach for higher knowledge in my spiritual life.

The areas I'm not content with are my life goals... being published, writing songs, creating art, being physically strong and active.  It seems there is never enough time in the day.  I have boxes of lovely crafty items and paints, etc.  I kept copies of articles I wrote for my church's newsletter for several years, because I had plans to compile them into a small book.  I have beginnings of four books... none close to being finished.  Rough drafts and incomplete short stories and poems.  I had songs... I tore up most and tossed them during the past ten years.  I am my own harshest critic.

What am I trying to say?  I don't have a clue!  I guess it's that more than half over, is not over!  There is still time!  I can't allow myself just to give in or to give up.  That's it!  I must keep reminding myself that my life is a journey.  Until it officially ends, I have no business living like it has ended.  God expects more of me than that.  I expect more of me than that too.  So, that being said, on with the living!




Copyright 09/29/10 ajj

Life Looks Better Today...

I know my last post was very sad... There are reasons.  One of them... my husband received an email from a dear friend yesterday.  Her husband has been battling Pancreatic Cancer for the past year or so.  He is now in the last stages.  Even in his weakened state, he typed a short note in the email asking everyone to pray for his wife to have strength and comfort.  That is a true example of the kind of people they are.  Caring, loving Christians, who put others before themselves.  Please pray for them, pray for their children...

And, while you are praying, please remember Pam Warden and her husband John, and their children and grandchildren.  You can visit Pam at Pam Warden Art and at Faith Folk Cafe.

I had uplifting messages from Pam yesterday and even late into the night.  With all she is dealing with, she took the time to reach out to me.  I've also had two phone calls from my dear Margie D.  She's the lady who always knew when something was going on in my Grandma's life.  The phone would ring, and it would be Margie saying "I've been prayin' on you... what's going on?"  She had a spirit connection with Grandma.  They had been friends for many years.  She has now connected with me.  Her phone calls come just when I need them!  Another friend chatted with me online into the wee hours... I am so blessed!

I hope each of you have those kind of special friendships in your life.  Dear friends who are there when they are most needed!  I want to leave you on a happy note... in honor of Poetry Month, here is a favorite of mine:

The Top Step in the Hotel in Junin

by Jimmy Stewart

The top step in the hotel in Junin is mean.

Like the Devil is mean.

And it lies at the top of the other steps,

So quiet, so still, so serene.

But this top step has something quite special,

A very ingenious device:

It's half an inch higher than the other steps,

A whole inch to be more precise.

And it uses this inch as a weapon,

The guests of the place to harass:

For when you reach the third floor

of that hotel in Junin,

The top step trips you right on your ass.

Now I've had my share of knocks on the head,

I've felt enemy gunfire in war.

But if you want my opinion of what's really bad,

I'll be glad to give you the score.

Of all the degrading, inhuman, mean things,

That I in my life have yet seen,

The gross, most despicable one of them all

Is the top step in the hotel in Junin.

This poem makes me laugh.  The only thing better than reading it, would be hearing Jimmy Stewart reciting it.  I'm sure his distinctive voice would have given it an even funnier edge.

Finally, I leave you with a bumper sticker quote my husband sent me a few minutes ago.  I don't put much thought into end times, I try to live my best each day just for the challenge of it.  But this one had me laughing out loud:

Jesus is Coming...
Look Busy!

A Few Thoughts on Life

I'm a long way from "Monday, Monday", my last post. I have gone through a variety of emotions during the past week.

• Frustration... that my son is not much better.
• Sadness... that I can't fix it. Aren't mom's supposed to fix everything?
• Thankful... for friends who are praying and a God who cares for us.
• Tearful... I don't know why, but I put in an old movie and just slipped away from reality for a while. Seemed to do the trick.
• Joyful... Autumn is so beautiful. I love the frosty cold and the colorful leaves.
• Reflective... I've had some quiet moments where stories have come back to mind. Things I need to put into writing before they slip away again.

Life is a continual forward-moving force. If we don't pay attention, it can slip right by us. It can leave us wondering what we did with all that time. I decided there were some things I needed to do differently, so I told myself to: Make a plan to notice each day; to celebrate the little moments, as well as the big events. Surprise old friends with a phone call or a visit. Surprise myself by trying something new. Find meaning in my life. Live with a purpose. Drink it all in... all of it!

And in doing all that, remind myself to thank my Heavenly Father for every minute of life He has blessed me with.

I hope your day is filled with blessings, both large and small.

Life and Kitchens

Life...

Life has been a bit bumpy lately, but I am surviving quite well in spite of it all. I lost an extended family member one week, and an old friend passed away the next. The first loss was expected, but no less sad. Lou Gherig's disease claimed another life. This lady was a wonderful mom and grandma. She was one of those people who gave of her abilities and her time. She was one of the memorable people woven into the pattern of my life. Years of knowing her beginning when I was a small child. Rosalie will be missed, but heaven is brighter for having her there.

The second loss was a shock. I did not find out until my husband showed me the obituary in the morning paper. A late diagnosis of lung cancer, and my friend was gone in six short weeks. I cried like a baby. My tears were both for the loss and for missed opportunity. We hadn't gotten together in a long time... she had been on my mind... I was waiting to pick up the phone until my eyes healed so I could invite her to lunch... I will miss her bright spirit, her sense of fun, and her laugh.

I need to live like that crooked tree... that knelt down in the hardest winds but could not be blasted away. ~ Edward Hirsch

I may be standing a bit weathered and crooked, but I'm still standing!

Kitchens...

This week I returned to some of my organization projects. I decided to start with my kitchen. I'm placing excess utensils, containers, glassware, plates, etc. into labeled boxes that can be stored on shelves in my garage. Anything that I haven't used in the next 6 months will be donated. The only exception will be special holiday items like linens, platters, etc.

The kitchen is often the heart of the home. It's where we gather for nourishment, fellowship, creativity... I want mine to be warm and welcoming. A stress free environment. It's a great place to begin a home transformation.

"If you can organize your kitchen, you can organize your life." ~ Louis Parrish

Life is Grand!

Another Sunday at home. This will be five in a row. Finally, feeling a small improvement today.

During her break my niece came home, and we had our own little church service. She played guitar and sang choruses, then switched to the piano. It was a nice time of song, prayer, and meditation on what God has done for me. I am so blessed. Life isn't easy, but who said it would be. It's not easy, but it's good!

I'm enjoying waiting for the ducklings to hatch out. I have had to run a neighbor cat off several times, but so far there are still 13 eggs intact. There are also baby birds in my little birdhouse. It sits just a few feet from the duck's nest. They've been chirping a lot, which may be why the cat is so interested in my garden this year! I just hope I don't have to experience some "graphic nature" in my own front yard!

Today's Quote:

"Just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie