Ahhh, November...

Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  It's the last bit of autumn, the weather is brisk and wonderful!  It leads into my favorite family holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It also happens to be my birth month.  I never feel so alive as I do in November.  For me, it's a time of new beginnings.

Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization.  It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  I remembered who I was.  It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it.  I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.

When I was young, I longed to be a clown.  I even collected clowns.  When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside.  So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends.  It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown.  Those who truly love me have stayed in my life.  They are my great Oak trees!  Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term.  I'm thankful for the great Oaks.  I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers.  I have felt it, and I survived because of it.  I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."

Friends help us through the stormy times...
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)

I've had other "breakthrough" days. Days when I felt like an overcomer, but it has always been tempered with a touch of doubt.  It's because I know life doesn't just bring joy, it brings sorrow, it brings illness, it brings pain. I've always relied on my faith to carry me through those times, and it surprised me to realize how far I'd fallen into the darkness of depression. I'm not even sure when it began, but I know it has clouded my perceptions for a good, long while.

Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know.  I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down.  I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds.  This was both literally and mentally.  I let the sunlight in.  I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them.  I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!


© 02Nov2013 ajjahner

A Surprise in the Mail...

To begin, I want to wish each of you a Happy Easter!  It looks like a beautiful day here in Idaho.  My plans are simple, to spend the day with my husband and sons. 

I received the most beautiful package in the mail last week!  I won the giveaway from Michelle Palmer, and here is what I saw when I opened the package...

 This is what was inside...

Michelle does such beautiful sketches and painting.  You can see more of her work in her Etsy Shop,
Michelle Palmer Art.  She drew the acorns, placing them randomly in the squares of this vintage piece of linen.  She left the buttons separate, so I can place them where I wish or leave them off altogether.  I love this!  The acorns take me back to my childhood, and the giant oak tree in our yard.  I spent hours in the shade of that oak, reading my Nancy Drew mysteries, looking for 4-leaf clovers, making dandelion chains, and collecting acorns.  Precious memories of simple times.  I will treasure this!

Today's Sunday Scribblings Prompt is Treat.  The word is implied, rather than being inserted in this post.  The treat was winning the Michelle Palmer piece!  Continuing with my April poetry theme, I wrote the following:

In the shade of ancient oak,

branches stretched upwards and out,

solitude is not lonely.

In the wonder of cool shelter,

a bumpy floor of grass

and acorns so abundant. 

I choose a spot and stretch out, 

favorite book in hand,
under comfort of green arms.

© 08APR2012 ajjahner

Those of you who are readers, will recognize the treat in this piece.  There's nothing quite like finding a place you love to enjoy a great book.