Saturday, November 2, 2013

Ahhh, November...

Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!
I love the month of November for so many reasons.  It's the last bit of autumn, the weather is brisk and wonderful!  It leads into my favorite family holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It also happens to be my birth month.  I never feel so alive as I do in November.  For me, it's a time of new beginnings.

Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization.  It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  I remembered who I was.  It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it.  I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.

When I was young, I longed to be a clown.  I even collected clowns.  When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside.  So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends.  It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown.  Those who truly love me have stayed in my life.  They are my great Oak trees!  Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term.  I'm thankful for the great Oaks.  I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers.  I have felt it, and I survived because of it.  I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."

Friends help us through the stormy times...
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)
I've had other "breakthrough" days. Days when I felt like an overcomer, but it has always been tempered with a touch of doubt.  It's because I know life doesn't just bring joy, it brings sorrow, it brings illness, it brings pain. I've always relied on my faith to carry me through those times, and it surprised me to realize how far I'd fallen into the darkness of depression. I'm not even sure when it began, but I know it has clouded my perceptions for a good, long while.

Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know.  I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down.  I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds.  This was both literally and mentally.  I let the sunlight in.  I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them.  I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!

© 02Nov2013 ajjahner


Tammy said...

Beautiful Anita, just like you.

Donna said...

SO glad You're glad! Depression sneaks up on you...glad you've chased it away!

Nita Jo said...

Tammy, Thank you! That's so sweet of you, and I loved getting to see you at church today. I need to come a little more often!

Donna, Thank you, my sweet blogging friend! I always love your "hugs" and your kind comments! Hugs to you too!

Donna said...

I love November too. It provides a nice lull period before the hustle and bustle of Christmas, and it gives time for reflection. I know all too well about swings of depression and how it can cloud perspective. I am so glad that you had a breakthrough and can see things more clearly now. A thorough purging of "stuff" has an amazing way of having us look at things - and life - with a fresh outlook!

Nita Jo said...

Somehow I'd missed your comment! It really does give a fresh perspective. The more I clear away, the better I feel! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!