Where Have I Been?

Life got messy again. Between the yard sale, a family member moving away soon, major changes at my church which I still can't attend in person, hitting a roadblock with my writing... it's all been a bit too much.

I made my third call this week to people I love who now have dementia. Two of the calls were today. Mary W. last Thursday. She remembered me, or seemed to, but little else. I'm still glad I made the call. Paul's Aunt Beth was today. She didn't know me at all. I still chatted a bit and told her I loved her. She and I have spent hours on the phone the past few years, talking art, writing, family, politics. So much in common and so much shared laughter. 

The last call was to my Uncle Tom. He knew me but was living in an earlier time in his life. We were able to talk about his motorcycle and his cats. He misses having pets where he's at. It's hard not to cry. You don't lose the person, but you lose a treasure trove of memories you shared. He was the last person I know who remembered my great grandparents, my grandparents, and my mom's childhood. I still had so many more questions to ask. Below is a photo of my uncle and his two sisters who have both passed on. He's the last of his siblings. The last who would have known their childhood stories.

Tom, Patsy, and Leah

Life is fleeting. When you're busy living it, you sometimes forget to savor it. To see and hear and absorb the stories of family members. I'm going to make an effort to be more present when I am with loved ones. To enjoy the moments and the making of memories. 

© 17AUG2022 ajjahner

What I've Been Up To

Since my last post, life has been busy. There has been some sickness, some loss, and some wonderful things. I'm going to share about the wonderful today!

The reel to reel recoder my sis got has enabled her to save many old recordings. Then I found a way to convert my old cassette tapes. I found my grandpa preaching, my mom and my other grandpa telling family stories, a lot of singing including a duet my brother sang in high school. He's been gone from this life for many years, so there was some ugly crying when I heard his voice coming from that old tape!

I completed the first session of the Grow Me a Story class and we are now onto the second session. I'm enjoying it so much! It is really getting the reluctant artist/writer in me to come out of my self imposed seclusion. Life feels very good right now. Thank you for stopping by. Please leave a comment if you enjoy reading my little blog.

Dealing With Loss...

Here is another draft from 2019. I find it is still relevant, as several friends have been dealing with loss in recent months. There are also times when grief over the loss of a parent, other family member, or dear friend is triggered once again, even when it was years ago. The pain resurfaces and we feel it all over again. At those times, these same suggestions would be helpful to remember.

Originally Written: July 15, 2019 3:05 PM 

I wrote this in a comment to an acquaintance, who recently lost her father, in answer to her question, "What do you do to take care of yourself, to emotionally heal, during your roughest times?"

"I don't really have anything new to add to all these great suggestions. During loss, I kept pushing myself through the necessary tasks of life. I believe that was helpful, but it was also very important to have moments of allowing the grief to flow out of me through tears and time to get lost in the memories. I wrote about my feelings, I searched through photos and videos, I donated to charities in remembrance, I gave myself permission to take time to sit quietly and just let the feelings wash through me.

My belief is our loved ones are very present with us for a time, if we allow ourselves to connect. Even if a person doesn't believe in spirit connection, there is much to be said for the power of memory. Close your eyes and feel the memory of their smile, hugs, voice, the very essence of who they were to you. One of my favorite suggestions, in the earlier comments, is creating a special memory place in your Secret Garden. A corner for your dad, a place to sit and remember. Fill it with the joyful memories. Fill it with color. Let the tears release your pain, until they become tears of joy and laughter."

Missing Lyrics...

One more from my "Drafts" folder. That makes three today, so far. The original blog post was written February 9, 2018. My Uncle Burt is no longer with us, but reading this post again, I could hear him singing so clearly. I loved listening to my uncle sing! I hope you enjoy reading this old post:

While sorting through a box this morning, I found a scrap of paper with a note to myself from a few years back. I'd had a phone call from my Uncle Burt, asking if I had the lyrics to an old song he was trying to recall, or if I remembered them. He most likely remembered them himself long ago, but at the time I could only remember bits and pieces, which I wrote down. Every so often, I’d look at the note and try to remember, but couldn’t. Somehow that note ended up in a box of photos and ancestry notes.

Well, this morning I still couldn't remember, so I decided to google a line. The first try brought no results. I tried the other line I had, and there it was! Different title, different lyrics, but the right tune. The original song is called, When They Ring Those Golden Bells, and there are several YouTube versions by different artists, including Tennessee Ernie Ford, Andy Griffith, Mahalia Jackson, and even Natalie Merchant.

I'm not sure who had written our lyrics, but it was possible my grandmother. Anyway, some of them came back to me after I listened to the original tune. Here they are, as best I can remember:

There's a land that's like a river

Flowing, going on forever

We will reach that distant shore by faith's decree

Moving forward with each other

From one triumph to another

While the trumpet sounds with life

For you and me

Don't you hear the trumpet sounding

Rising, billowing resounding

Tis the call to rise above this troubled sea

Man's last enemy to banish

Sin and death from earth to vanquish

While the trumpet sounds with life

For you and me

(To the tune of When They Ring Those Golden Bells)

Welcome 2021...

Winter scene of Boise, Idaho. 
Free Image from jessbridgewater at Pixabay

Well, it's a brand new year, and I'm hoping for some better days ahead! Other than a couple necessary doctor appointments, I haven't left my home in months. I haven't seen family or friends in almost a year, except at a distance or over the internet. Covid has really changed our lives. 

So, in the meantime, I've spent more quality time with my immediate family, who are quarantined together and working from home. I've enjoyed some great TV series and movies, had long phone conversations with family and friends, and read a lot of books. 

My husband has taken over all of the meal prep, as I'm relegated to using the walker again. I help with what I can, but he says he enjoys doing the cooking and we certainly enjoy partaking of his creations. He is retired now, but everything planned for this time in our lives is, of course, on hold. In lieu of baseball games, camping, car shows, and travelling, he has returned to some old hobbies. He enjoys stamp and coin collecting. He's done some home and garden improvements, and works out daily. He is also giving himself time to watch the old Twilight Zones, the Red Green Show, and more. When he was working, he had little time for the fun stuff, so that has been nice. 

If you're reading this, I hope you are healthy and happy. I wish all the best for you in this new year! 

Happy 2021!!!

Time Together and Alone...

What a lovely weekend it's been! Family time and a bit of solitude. I watched Case Histories, a British crime drama starring Jason Isaacs. I started reading When Death Draws Near by Carrie Stuart Parks, a good read so far. Four boxes were filled for donation which Paul dropped off for me at the Idaho Youth Ranch. And at the moment, I'm waiting for the clothes in the dryer to finish so I can put the next load in. Why I waited until late Sunday evening, I can't explain. It just been one of those days, full, fun, and also relaxing.

I was reminded how much I love spending time with my family. There is nothing so precious as being with people you love, who also love you. The value of time alone is not lost on me either. In every love relationship, whether it's romantic or family, you need to find time to nurture yourself. In doing so, you have more to offer the people you love. With that in mind, I wrote the following poem.

just me, not you
someplace of my own
a hideaway, a nook
an island of self imposed
seclusion
to rest
reflect and reimagine
to rediscover
then emerge, myself again
with you

© 29Apr2018 ajjahner

What a Month...

Between me messing up my knee, one son having health issues and injury, our other son and husband working long hours, it's been one heck of a month. This is the first year we did not have a Christmas tree, sent very few cards, and I only bought a couple gifts and went in on another. I have a little shelf above my fireplace where I hung four hand crafted ornaments I bought from a cousin. I set out one Santa and one snowman. I strung red ribbon in the entryway to hang the Christmas cards we received, which were many, because my husband is a letter carrier who is well loved by the people on his route. We did have a few outside lights, but my dozens of ornaments and knickknacks never even got out of their boxes.

These are the ornaments! Aren't they wonderful?

By all accounts, Christmas could have been called a huge fail. The funny thing is, we enjoyed it as much, or even more than, many past Christmases. It was simple, quiet, and relaxing. We enjoyed each other's company. There were games, a few favorite movies, reading, and conversation. It was a lovely Christmas.

Faith, Family, Friends...

Yesterday afternoon and evening, I was able to spend time with my cousin, Ramona. She recently lost her husband, and it's been a rough time for her. She came by my house and suggested we go visit her mom. Just driving through her old neighborhood, where I'd spent many happy childhood days, was emotional and wonderful. My mom lived across the street from them, for several years. Her house is still there, still the same color. The only real change was, the rose arbor that went over the front gate was no longer there.

As we walked around to the back of Mary Ellen's home, to go in through the back door, I glanced up at the little window of the garage apartment. We lived there, when I was very young. I remember looking out that window, seeing my cousins playing in the yard below. This was when I first really got to know my cousins, five girls, what fun we had!

Walking through the house, memories kept washing over me. We had a lovely visit with Mary Ellen. Even with extreme health issues, her smile and her sense of humor was still strong. She and my mom always kept us laughing with their stories. I miss those times. I'm so thankful for them.

Next, Ramona and I went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants, Golden Star. It was just as good as I remembered! That place is filled with memories as well. My grandparents took us there often, beginning back in the late 60's. My husband and I, along with our families, shared our wedding day meal there before leaving for our honeymoon.

Ramona and I talked about so many things. There were tears, some from memories and some from the hot mustard, and there was a lot of laughter. We talked about the past. We talked about what her future may now hold. When life changes the plans you had for your retirement years with your husband, you have to begin thinking about what you will now do. One thing I do believe, she will be blessed beyond what she can even see right now, and my cousin is a woman of strong faith and vision. I'm praying and believing it will be better than she can even imagine.

Before we left Golden Star, I heard a hello, and there was another cousin's wife, Dorrine! She was there with a big group of family. After hugs all around, we chatted a couple minutes. Then another friend of Ramona's walked in, and she got to share a few moments with him. As we were leaving, our cousin Mark was just arriving to join the family, so we got to say hello to him as well. I guess we picked the perfect night to eat at Golden Star.

We decided to text one of my best friends, DeAnn. She hadn't been able to join us for dinner, but she was now available to visit, so we headed to her home. What a fun time we had! More laughter, a few more tears. We talked about everything from family, loss, life, church, our homes, and even clothes. DeAnn showed us her new LuLaRoe clothes, purchased from the lovely Jenn Schram, and even offered to let me try on a couple of her new shirts. Such fun! We took photos of her in one of her new outfits, which led to some laughs because neither Ramona or I were very adept at using the smart phone for photos.

After Ramona dropped me off at my house, and I sat in my family room going over the events of the evening, I felt so blessed. Having family and friends to travel through this life's journey is what it's all about. We can share our sorrows and our joys with each other. We are reminded we don't have to walk it alone. We have our faith, our family, and our friends to make our journey a little bit easier, and a lot less lonely, and that is a blessing.

Holiday and Anniversary...

We had a quiet Fourth of July this year. One son had to work, so we quickly threw together a lunch of hot dogs, potato salad, and baked beans, and shared a meal before he had to leave. Our day was spent relaxing. We read, chatted, watched a Netflix rental called Get Low, with Robert Duvall and Sissy Spacek. When it got dark, we wandered outside to watch a few fireworks being set off around the neighborhood.

We had decided not to do anniversary gifts, since we had to replace our large front room window and get the 52 Chevy repaired again, among other unexpected things. Paul decided to surprise me anyway! He got me a few of my favorite things, three books and a movie. Other girls need diamonds and bling, but give me good films and books any day! The movie, Holy Matrimony, was a fun choice for an anniversary. It stars one of our favorites, Monty Woolley, and an actress we weren't as familiar with, Gracie Fields. I need to see what other films she was in, as I really enjoyed her performance.

Books and a movie from my wish list and a beautiful card!

We decided to have dinner at home. French Dip sandwiches and a simple dessert of sliced pound cake layered with a filling of cream cheese blended with strawberry jam, topped with fresh crushed strawberries. Simple and delicious! While we ate, we watched another favorite movie, North by Northwest. It's a Hitchcock film starring Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint, and James Mason. A perfect way to spend our day together!

I'm feeling very grateful for my husband, my sons, and the life we share together! Loved and blessed are my words for today! 

Wishing you love and blessings in your life.

Oops... It's Poetry Month...

First of all, how did April get here so fast? I was going to have some new poems written, or have some favorite poems and poets picked out, to grace my blog for the month. Did not get any of it done. I'll try to get some up by first of next week.

My mind is swirling with all the things I need to accomplish in the next 6 weeks. My youngest, EJ, is graduating from college! I didn't even think to get a formal photo done. I really stink at these kinds of things. He didn't think of it either... nut...tree... you get it, so he took a selfie for the college yearbook photo. That's how we roll! Haha!

I'm trying to pull together a plan for celebrating this wonderful milestone in his life, choose the venue, get announcements quickly ordered, and figure out how to make myself look at least 40 lbs. slimmer for the expected family photos... just a tiny miracle or two will be needed to pull it all off! Thankfully, EJ is a very laid back fellow and really doesn't want a big party. Something simple, with only the closest friends and family. It still raises my anxiety a bit, but in a good way. I'm really looking forward to this next step in his life's journey!

A Few Brief Thoughts...

I don't have a lot to share, but I wanted to list some random thoughts...

It's mom's birthday, as always I'm thinking of her and remembering her with love.

I'm enjoying having both sons here for spring break. They bring so much laughter and fun into our lives. They are each such a gift and blessing to me.

My hyacinths have blossomed. They always smell so sweet! Some of the tulips have bloomed as well.

Spent yesterday with my little sis. Out to breakfast, and on to the Antique Mall to purchase more family photos. Then we wandered, just looking at all the other fun things for sale. I bought a Kenyan hand carved stone egg for $4.00, just in time to add it to my Easter decorations.

We had a whopper of a thunderstorm yesterday. Rain pelted the house, then turned into hail for a bit, wind roared, lightening striking all around. March has been mild this year, but yesterday it was a lion!

I'm getting ready to watch an episode of The Voice which I recorded earlier. I've been avoiding all the news of the world. I just needed a little oasis of peace today. Music always soothes the soul.

Wishing you Peace, sprinkled with a huge dose of Joy!

Early Spring...

I've been so busy recently. Took my sis to breakfast and to the Antique Mall last weekend. It was such a fun morning. Shared recent news and reminisced over old family stories. We scored some more family photos at the mall! In one lot, there was my own wedding photo which I'd given a great aunt and uncle. You just never know what you'll find when you go treasure hunting. Does that mean my sweetheart and I are now antiques? Or at least very collectible?

My youngest was on his break between winter session and spring semester. It was very nice having him home. I know the days of him hanging out with us may be very short. He graduates from college this year, and who knows where his future will take him. My mom heart is praying he gets a fantastic job, but just not too far away. That's reasonable, right?

Last evening we went to dinner at Red Robin, with two of our best friends. I tried their french dip with grilled onions. Oh my, it was so good! I've found a new favorite! Afterward, we went back to their home and played Dominoes. We had so many laughs. It was a wonderful time.

I've spent part of today scanning old negatives onto my computer. It's a long-term project which I started two or three years ago. It's very time consuming, but will be worth it to have our photos backed up on computer and in "the cloud" wherever that really is.

It feels like an early spring really is in store this year. I am definitely ready for it. Spring is already in my heart today!

© 06Feb2016 ajj

Got Through Christmas...

A virus hit a couple family members over the Christmas holidays, but we not only survived the inconvenience, we had a very nice week! Both sons are home for most of the Christmas break and my husband had a couple days off, so we just relaxed and simplified. Each person got a couple of gifts, we watched Christmas programs, football, and movies.

Yesterday was spent filling boxes for a donation to the Idaho Youth Ranch. I went to drop them off earlier today, and then treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte! So good! I'm now working on a donation box for the Boise Rescue Mission. I have a box of brand new socks and one box of gently used ones. This time of year, they need all kinds of cold weather gear. It feels good to be able to share with others just like it was done for me, when I was a small child being raised by a single mother. Just trying to pay if forward!

I hope your holidays were filled with blessings and joy! May your New Year be happy, bright, and filled with hope!


© 28Dec2015 ajj

Thinking of Thanksgiving and Family...

I just watched Home for the Holidays, a 1995 movie with Holly Hunter. It's about a seriously dysfunctional family, and it made me long for the family gatherings of my younger days.

I think every family has some skeletons in the closet, odd relatives or even outright irritating ones, but it's still your family. There's something lovely about bringing all the disparate members together in the confined setting of a holiday weekend. Somehow, even when things go terribly wrong, the outright messiness of it is endearing, even precious, when we look back on it. There is nothing more grounding than being part of a big, crazy family unit.

As you gather with your family or your friends this coming week, soak in all the moments, the uniqueness of your experience. The aggravations as well as the joys, because it all adds up to a distinctly personal page in your life story.

Embrace those you are with, reflect on those who are gone, cherish every bit of it!

Wishing you a joyous Thanksgiving holiday!

© 21Nov2015 ajj

Busy Weekend...

After a busy weekend, which involved attending a special church service, a visit from out of town relatives, preparing for an upcoming yard sale, and more, I'm relaxing this afternoon with an old movie, Gaslight. It's a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman.  It's about a woman whose husband is trying to slowly drive her mad. It's a favorite of mine. It also stars Charles Boyer, Joseph Cotton, and a very young Angela Lansbury.

There's something about an old black & white classic, a hot cup of coffee, the hint of autumn just around the corner. I feel very content right now.

Farewells...

This week is a farewell to a beloved great uncle. He was 98 years old, lead an amazing life, and was loved and admired by those who knew him. He leaves behind a huge extended family, including a total of 93 grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren. His legacy extended beyond family and into our community. For me personally, he always had a big smile and a twinkle in his eye. I still remember going out fishing on his boat when I was about 9 or 10. I only caught a squawfish (I believe they may be called pikeminnow now) which nobody wanted to eat, but he made a big deal of it, pointing out it's huge size and making me feel so special. Farewell, uncle Arvad, you will be missed.

My sons both start back to classes next week. The youngest will be packing tomorrow in preparation for his move back to campus on Friday. I've enjoyed the summer with both sons home. Seems like it just flew by, and autumn is just around the corner.

Farewell to the ease of summer break, long days, late night conversations, and hello to new schedules, life changes, and my favorite season. Can't wait for the frost, the golden leaves, and the bright orange pumpkins!


© 27Aug2015 ajj

Summer...

Days are flying by! When I was young, summer seemed to last forever, not so anymore. One son will be back at college classes in two weeks and the other in four. My summer to-do list looks much the same as it did when I made it, and I've added even more items. Some are "must-do-soon" like selling excess stuff that's been in our storage unit for the past year. Others are little projects to get a jump start on the holidays.

Oh yes, I mentioned the Holidays! Don't hate me, but I even thought about typing the "C" word! Hohoho! The thing is, if you are a person who intends to make cards or gifts, or you just like putting thought into a unique gift basket or bag, it takes time and planning. If I don't get these things done early, my beloveds will get whatever type of item is left for last minute procrastinators, and I find those kind of things do not bring the happy "I know how much you love me because you selected such a thoughtful and perfect gift for me" face! I really want to see that "face" when I give, because it is a gift back to myself. It feels great to bring a little joy to someone I care about.

I intend to enjoy this last month of summer, even while chipping away at my lists. I attended a lovely summer wedding last weekend. I've taken time to step out of the house to gaze at the night sky, to watch lightening and listen to distant thunder, to feel cool grass on my bare feet, do a movie marathon with my sons, go out to dinner with husband and friends, read, and read some more. It's important to make memories, even the small, simple ones. It makes life lovely. It feeds the soul.

A summer night image to share with you, courtesy of Dover Publications.

Happy Summer, my friends!


© 13Aug2015 ajj

Things We Take For Granted...

There are things I often take for granted. Oddly, my health is one of them. Even with the struggles I've had, I still forget it's something to be thankful for, to be cared for and nurtured. Over the past couple of months, I've had some big reminders as I struggle against some setbacks.

Time with family is another. When everyone is around, I tend to forget to focus on the moments as they're happening. I get wrapped up in the busyness of activity. I need to remember to be taking those mental snapshots, pasting them into my memory. Physical photos can disappear, but the things we carry in our hearts remain with us.

Since Valentine's Day is approaching, I've been thinking about the things I love and what I hold dear. My greatest treasures are my husband and my sons. Each one is irreplaceable. Each one is unique. Each one is loved. I don't often try to put my love for them into words. It's not easy to describe adequately, but they are my heart! I love them beyond measure, beyond words, beyond anything else in my life. If I had nothing else in this life, they would be more than enough!

Ahhh, November...

Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  It's the last bit of autumn, the weather is brisk and wonderful!  It leads into my favorite family holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It also happens to be my birth month.  I never feel so alive as I do in November.  For me, it's a time of new beginnings.

Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization.  It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  I remembered who I was.  It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it.  I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.

When I was young, I longed to be a clown.  I even collected clowns.  When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside.  So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends.  It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown.  Those who truly love me have stayed in my life.  They are my great Oak trees!  Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term.  I'm thankful for the great Oaks.  I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers.  I have felt it, and I survived because of it.  I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."

Friends help us through the stormy times...
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)

I've had other "breakthrough" days. Days when I felt like an overcomer, but it has always been tempered with a touch of doubt.  It's because I know life doesn't just bring joy, it brings sorrow, it brings illness, it brings pain. I've always relied on my faith to carry me through those times, and it surprised me to realize how far I'd fallen into the darkness of depression. I'm not even sure when it began, but I know it has clouded my perceptions for a good, long while.

Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know.  I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down.  I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds.  This was both literally and mentally.  I let the sunlight in.  I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them.  I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!


© 02Nov2013 ajjahner

Quiet...

My home is very quiet right now.  Paul is camping this weekend with a couple of friends, and the boys are back to their own activities, though they both came over last night to watch the BSU game with me.

Since yesterday, I've done 6 loads of laundry.  Partly because I found boxes with pillow cases, cold weather clothing, etc. I had been storing.  They weren't dirty, but you know how stuff gets musty smelling when it's been packed away for a while.  I was doing some sorting and cleaning, while the washer did it's job, then I got distracted by old photo albums!  I've been looking at the 1995 photos.  My boys turned 9 and 3 that year.  It's also when we moved into this home.  A lot has changed in those 18 years.  I had no idea how very fast the time would go by.

I love the quiet.  I enjoy it even more knowing it won't last long.  I've always been happy doing solitary activities, but I think I enjoy it most when I know someone is just down the hall, or at least nearby.  Well, I'd better take advantage of this quiet time and get some more projects completed.

Here are some Free Images I found a few years back, but I don't remember who provided them. They are titled Peter and Polly in Autumn.  I hope you enjoy them!