Dealing With Loss...

Here is another draft from 2019. I find it is still relevant, as several friends have been dealing with loss in recent months. There are also times when grief over the loss of a parent, other family member, or dear friend is triggered once again, even when it was years ago. The pain resurfaces and we feel it all over again. At those times, these same suggestions would be helpful to remember.

Originally Written: July 15, 2019 3:05 PM 

I wrote this in a comment to an acquaintance, who recently lost her father, in answer to her question, "What do you do to take care of yourself, to emotionally heal, during your roughest times?"

"I don't really have anything new to add to all these great suggestions. During loss, I kept pushing myself through the necessary tasks of life. I believe that was helpful, but it was also very important to have moments of allowing the grief to flow out of me through tears and time to get lost in the memories. I wrote about my feelings, I searched through photos and videos, I donated to charities in remembrance, I gave myself permission to take time to sit quietly and just let the feelings wash through me.

My belief is our loved ones are very present with us for a time, if we allow ourselves to connect. Even if a person doesn't believe in spirit connection, there is much to be said for the power of memory. Close your eyes and feel the memory of their smile, hugs, voice, the very essence of who they were to you. One of my favorite suggestions, in the earlier comments, is creating a special memory place in your Secret Garden. A corner for your dad, a place to sit and remember. Fill it with the joyful memories. Fill it with color. Let the tears release your pain, until they become tears of joy and laughter."

Farewells...

It has been a long, cold December, filled with many joyful moments and a few sad ones.

I will be attending the memorial of a friend, in a couple days, who was only in his 50's. I'm sad for his entire family, but especially for his mother. It never seems right for a child to pass before a parent. Other friends said goodbye to their mother just recently, and I understand that loss as well. While we may have peace, it's still so hard to say farewell to people we love.

In a year filled with the of the loss of so many, celebrities as well as personal, today's news still came as a shock. Carrie Fisher, gone much too soon. I was such a fan, beginning with Star Wars, but my favorite role of hers was as Marie, Sally's friend, in When Harry Met Sally. I watched a couple interviews about her newest book, just within the past few weeks. I'm sure many fans around the world are grieving her loss, but a light like hers can never be dimmed. Heaven is a brighter place today, with all the beautiful souls who have left us this year.

All of this has increased my appreciation for each day I've been given. My only resolution for the New Year is to enjoy the moments, big and little, while I'm still able to! Wishing each of you Peace and Joy!

© 27DEC2016 ajj

Thoughts...

I was reading a note on Facebook posted by Marion Chesney aka M. C. Beaton this morning. She talked of the dog days of summer, people gone on holiday and the kind of holiday she dreams of, the "good old days" versus today's world.

"I never dream of beach holidays... I like holidays in cities with theatres and opera houses and old buildings. I like sitting on boulevards and watching the world go by... The cafes are no longer smart and not even cheap to make up for it. The shops are chain shops. But otherwise I do not long for the so-called good old days... So many bad things have been eased out. And so many bad things are now with us. I have friends who find the present world situation frightening. All one can do, I suppose, is to make life as pleasant as possible for as many in ones immediate environment and hope some of the ripples spread out across the murky pond." ~ Marion Chesney

I left this comment:

"This piece stuck a chord with me. I don't dream of beaches, other than to walk one in the cool morning, when not many are around. I love people, but love solitude perhaps even more. I have fond memories of earlier days, but no desire to go back. My dreams now are much the same as they've always been. Wishes for a peaceful world, a stable income, good health, a place to call home, surrounded by people I love... those are the things I wish for everyone."

Looking back and treasuring happy memories is good therapy for the soul, as long as we don't forget to live in the present. That said, this day is especially poignant for me. It's the 16th anniversary of my brother's passing. There's sorrow in this memory, and I relive it every year on this date.

We can't go back, and most of the time we wouldn't want to. The moments I love to remember, and might wish to revisit, are the happy times. Days of laughter, singing together, Christmases, birthdays, trips to Lucky Peak or Robie Creek for picnics and swimming, perusing second hand and antique stores, sitting in the back yard with a Coke and the radio playing some tunes, the smiles, the hugs.

The lesson is to treasure the moments as they come. The magic of my everyday life. The simple joys and pleasures. There is no guarantee of anything other than this very moment. When I look back at my life, the sad and the beautiful moments, it's the beauty which stands out the strongest. I write about the pain, because it helps to dilute it. In reflecting on my memories, it's the beauty which overrides the pain, and there has been so much beauty! So much joy! So many things to smile about and to be thankful for!

Wishing you days filled with Joy!

© 08Aug2016 ajj

Christmas, Relationships, Goodbyes...

There are so many things which go into making Christmas special, in the traditional sense. Baking, shopping for gifts, mailing cards, decorating indoors and out. We've done very little of these this season. We also broke tradition and already started making sandwiches with our special "Christmas" ham, spicy honey mustard, and aged cheddar cheese. I haven't decided what our Christmas dinner will now consist of. We've pretty much decided nobody really enjoys a big turkey. Maybe just a turkey breast with baked sweet potatoes or a roast?

My main goal is to keep it simple. I tried for so many years to create the perfect Christmas. It never ended up being perfect, after all, I don't live in a Norman Rockwell painting, but it was always fun and filled with love. I'm embracing the solitude of the holidays. Our family unit has become very small, and I've lost touch with many extended family members and some old friends. I've been thinking a lot about relationships and the value of reciprocation.

Part of this was due to a realization which hit me pretty hard a couple weeks ago. As much as I loved my dad, if I had been the one to pass on during my first 30 years of life, he might have shed a tear for my passing but it would not have been for me. It would have been for the idea of me, because he never really took the time to get to know me. I saw him at Christmas and at the occasional family gathering, but he was usually talking with his siblings, and we never shared more than a word or two. I still loved him, who couldn't love a guy with a laugh like that? I loved hearing him sing and the way his eyes twinkled when something tickled his sense of humor. If he had passed on during my first 30 years, I would have wept, not for him, but for the idea of him and who I longed for him to be. A father, a daddy, a friend.

Fortunately for us, we became reunited in the later years of his life. We did become father and daughter. We became friends. We had a relationship, and when he did pass, I wept for who he was to me, for a beautiful human being I still miss to this day.

The lesson is to remember love takes effort, it takes connection. It's a two way street, not a one way road. If you close the door, if you don't make the "journey" towards a relationship, you will never know who you were missing. When that inevitable day comes when they leave this life for good, will your tears be from the loss of not knowing them or from the sadness of saying goodbye to a heart you knew so dearly and so well? Either way is a loss, but one is definitely better than the other, in my opinion. It's also about finding peace in whatever the circumstances may be.

© 14Dec2015 ajj

Some thoughts and a short poem...

I have not lived up to my bargain to post every day this month.  It's been a crazy, sad, busy time for my family.  Dealing with the loss of a loved one takes a lot out of you.  My husband and I just returned from a trip to his father's home.  We met his sister and her friend there, and we spent a hectic weekend sorting through years of accumulation.  There was, and still is, a lot of stuff.  The one nice thing is, it was very organized.  We donated and recycled what we could, but two pick-up loads still went to the landfill.  Some precious treasures went home with my sister-in-law and with us.  There is still a lot to do, but it's mostly cleaning, small repairs, and painting in preparation to possibly sell the home one day.  There is no rush on that.

Every room in the house was filled with memories, as was the yard and the garden.  It was like whispers, too quiet to hear, but definitely all around.  Poignant, palpable, precious....

Silent rooms and
walls with dusty photographs
Paintings created, hung with loving hands

A chair, a throw,
favorite jacket in the hall
Symbols of the life they once enveloped

Quiet whispers
of voices no longer heard
but hanging in the air, just beyond reach

Memories linking
hearts to hearts, throughout time
Unbroken chain of life continues on

© 17APR2012 ajjahner

Live Well...

I am overwhelmed with emotions today.  It's snowing on this first day of spring.  My heart is still sad over the loss of my father-in-law, and all that we will never get to share with him.  We were waiting to have a graduation celebration, for my youngest, until spring.  He received his High School Diploma last autumn, but we wanted the weather to be nice so his grandpa might be able to come.

My father-in-law always wanted his grandsons to go to college.  My youngest received confirmation he was accepted into college two days after his grandpa's passing.  My oldest son had decided to return to college in the fall and was working on the paperwork.  We never got the chance to share any of this with their grandpa.  He would be so proud.

When loss comes, there are always things left unsaid, undone.  We move through the stages of loss and acceptance, and ultimately realize it wouldn't matter when the loss occurred.  We will always have more we wanted to share with those we loved.

The best tribute we can give is to live our lives fully, completely.  Just get out there.  Accomplish our dreams.  Live well.  Appreciate life, and love every day we are given.

 © 20MAR2012 aj

A Sweet and Sad Farewell...

Today was the funeral service for my father-in-law.  This was such a difficult day, especially for my husband, his sister, and my sons.  He was a WWII Veteran, so has been buried at the Idaho State Veterans Cemetery.  It was pouring rain, but we got a brief reprieve right about the time we needed the casket moved to the Committal Pavilion, a covered area where the service was held.

As we drove up the hill toward the Pavilion, I saw the soldiers standing at attention.  That meant so much to us.  I had never been to a military funeral and didn't know what to expect.  It does go very quickly, because they have services every hour.  It's handled with dignity, precision, and respect, from the moment you arrive until Taps is played.

My husband and sons were pallbearers.  Even though it's just a short movement of the casket, from vehicle to a transport cart, I was so proud to see my boys do this for their grandpa, and my husband for his dad.  One final act of love and respect for their grandpa, and of my husband for his father.  It's heartbreaking to say farewell, but we believe he was welcomed home by those he loved, those who had made the journey before him.  We will miss him.

If Life Has Hurt You...

Pause the Playlist before starting the video...

This speaks to those moments when you feel there's been too much pain, too many disappointments, those you counted on let you down, you've faced unbearable loss, your world came crashing down...  Whatever the sorrow... maybe something good will come from it... maybe He still loves and cares... if you can keep on trusting... if you just Believe. 

Sad News...

My stepbrothers daughter, Elizabeth, lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer this weekend.  She was only 17.  She was Elizabeth, Beth, and recently Lizzy, but her daddy called her Boo. I can only imagine Joe's heartbreak, but I know it's massive.  One small, bright spot is Make-A-Wish came through for her this week.  Matt Shadow, from the band Avenged Sevenfold, traveled with his wife to see her.  With some adjustments of her meds, she was able to be awake and enjoy having one of her dreams come true.  It was a special time for her and her family.  The love and compassion Matt and his wife showed even made Elizabeth's grandma a fan.  Make-A-Wish Foundation is amazing and so appreciated.

Losing my mom to Ovarian Cancer was hard, but losing a child... there are no words.  I'm weary of cancer.  I'm especially weary of hearing about children being taken by this insidious disease.  It's time for it to stop... time for a cure... before another child is taken far too soon. 

Please whisper a prayer for the family... they will miss her so... even knowing she is now safe and loved, in the arms of our Heavenly Father...

Nothing Much To Say

I've been in a quiet state of mind the past few days.  Some changes happening... not all good... not all bad.  My heart is sad this morning for a dear friend, Robin.  She lost her brother to cancer yesterday.  I know how hard it is to lose a brother.  I still miss mine after 10 years...  What I do know is her faith will sustain her... when the tears just keep coming, God's loving arms will hold her close... when it feels lonely and unbearable, her friends and family will provide love and comfort.


Also, my writing muse seems to have left me.  I haven't worked on a story or poem for weeks.  I think I'll throw myself into some other projects that I've been neglecting... so if you notice I'm rather sporadic in posting, just imagine me knee-deep in other jobs around my home...

God bless your day.
Nita Jo

Life Looks Better Today...

I know my last post was very sad... There are reasons.  One of them... my husband received an email from a dear friend yesterday.  Her husband has been battling Pancreatic Cancer for the past year or so.  He is now in the last stages.  Even in his weakened state, he typed a short note in the email asking everyone to pray for his wife to have strength and comfort.  That is a true example of the kind of people they are.  Caring, loving Christians, who put others before themselves.  Please pray for them, pray for their children...

And, while you are praying, please remember Pam Warden and her husband John, and their children and grandchildren.  You can visit Pam at Pam Warden Art and at Faith Folk Cafe.

I had uplifting messages from Pam yesterday and even late into the night.  With all she is dealing with, she took the time to reach out to me.  I've also had two phone calls from my dear Margie D.  She's the lady who always knew when something was going on in my Grandma's life.  The phone would ring, and it would be Margie saying "I've been prayin' on you... what's going on?"  She had a spirit connection with Grandma.  They had been friends for many years.  She has now connected with me.  Her phone calls come just when I need them!  Another friend chatted with me online into the wee hours... I am so blessed!

I hope each of you have those kind of special friendships in your life.  Dear friends who are there when they are most needed!  I want to leave you on a happy note... in honor of Poetry Month, here is a favorite of mine:

The Top Step in the Hotel in Junin

by Jimmy Stewart

The top step in the hotel in Junin is mean.

Like the Devil is mean.

And it lies at the top of the other steps,

So quiet, so still, so serene.

But this top step has something quite special,

A very ingenious device:

It's half an inch higher than the other steps,

A whole inch to be more precise.

And it uses this inch as a weapon,

The guests of the place to harass:

For when you reach the third floor

of that hotel in Junin,

The top step trips you right on your ass.

Now I've had my share of knocks on the head,

I've felt enemy gunfire in war.

But if you want my opinion of what's really bad,

I'll be glad to give you the score.

Of all the degrading, inhuman, mean things,

That I in my life have yet seen,

The gross, most despicable one of them all

Is the top step in the hotel in Junin.

This poem makes me laugh.  The only thing better than reading it, would be hearing Jimmy Stewart reciting it.  I'm sure his distinctive voice would have given it an even funnier edge.

Finally, I leave you with a bumper sticker quote my husband sent me a few minutes ago.  I don't put much thought into end times, I try to live my best each day just for the challenge of it.  But this one had me laughing out loud:

Jesus is Coming...
Look Busy!

April Is The Cruelest Month...

I just read a post by Inland Empire Girl.  It was on the loss and hope that April brings.  I couldn't help but remember that April brought loss to my life, more than once.  It has often felt cruel. It's a month tinged with sadness along with the joy of the coming warmth and beauty. 

It was always puzzling to me why someone would "go" just when the promise of springtime had arrived.  Perhaps they could see a much brighter "springtime" with their spirit eyes.  For some, I know it was not a choice.  That made it harder... sitting on the steps, missing a sweet friend, and hearing the songbirds continue to sing.  I can only hope as those dear ones left this life for the next, they were accompanied by anthems of hope... starting with the songbirds and ending with them being greeted by a Heavenly chorus. 

May April bring you hope for brighter days...

Life and Kitchens

Life...

Life has been a bit bumpy lately, but I am surviving quite well in spite of it all. I lost an extended family member one week, and an old friend passed away the next. The first loss was expected, but no less sad. Lou Gherig's disease claimed another life. This lady was a wonderful mom and grandma. She was one of those people who gave of her abilities and her time. She was one of the memorable people woven into the pattern of my life. Years of knowing her beginning when I was a small child. Rosalie will be missed, but heaven is brighter for having her there.

The second loss was a shock. I did not find out until my husband showed me the obituary in the morning paper. A late diagnosis of lung cancer, and my friend was gone in six short weeks. I cried like a baby. My tears were both for the loss and for missed opportunity. We hadn't gotten together in a long time... she had been on my mind... I was waiting to pick up the phone until my eyes healed so I could invite her to lunch... I will miss her bright spirit, her sense of fun, and her laugh.

I need to live like that crooked tree... that knelt down in the hardest winds but could not be blasted away. ~ Edward Hirsch

I may be standing a bit weathered and crooked, but I'm still standing!

Kitchens...

This week I returned to some of my organization projects. I decided to start with my kitchen. I'm placing excess utensils, containers, glassware, plates, etc. into labeled boxes that can be stored on shelves in my garage. Anything that I haven't used in the next 6 months will be donated. The only exception will be special holiday items like linens, platters, etc.

The kitchen is often the heart of the home. It's where we gather for nourishment, fellowship, creativity... I want mine to be warm and welcoming. A stress free environment. It's a great place to begin a home transformation.

"If you can organize your kitchen, you can organize your life." ~ Louis Parrish