Facing Down the Darkness...

This morning, I was reading April Lee's blog post, thought it would go gracefully, where she explores the emotions of dwelling in a dark place. She asked the question, do you face down your dark side now and then. After thinking about it, the following was my response.

"I entered a psychological "new country" about 18 years ago, with the loss of a brother and a bad medical diagnosis, both for me and later one for my mom. It was hard to push back against the darkness, and many days I failed. For me, it's often a battle to look for those pockets of light rather than just giving in to the darkness. There is always light and hope even when I can't see it. Sometimes I have to force myself out of my emotional blanket fort and allow myself to see all the joy and possibilities that are right in front of me."

Come out of the blanket fort and enjoy the light.
Photo credit: Creative Commons use from Pixabay.com

It felt good to think about where I'd been and the struggles I've had against emotional darkness, and realizing I keep coming back out of it. I'm not saying it's easy, it's a continual process for some of us, but it's worth the effort to come out of the blanket fort, allow my eyes to adjust to the light, and realize how wonderful life is no matter what difficulties have come against me. Retreating from life is fine for a time, it can be healing, but we aren't meant to hide away indefinitely. There is a lot of life to be lived and so much to be grateful for.

© 23AUG2018 ajjahner

In the dark...

I don't really have a fear of ghosts or spirits, well perhaps a tiny bit on occasion, but I do have a fear of what, or who, could be lurking out in the dark of the night. I know this is a result of early childhood experiences, but even knowing this doesn't remove it's occasional grip on me. Neither does my faith in God, because some amazing people of faith have had terrible things happen to them. For me, faith is about how you handle what comes your way. It doesn't make you immune from disaster or terrible events.

I'm trying to set aside the random scary thoughts invading my peaceful space. Part of the problem is I have not been sleeping well, it's getting late, and it's very dark outside. I'm sure sleep will find me soon, and before I know it, morning will arrive with the bright scents of hyacinth and fresh air, the sounds of birds, and everyday traffic, and all will seem right with my world again. Until then, I will attempt to shoo away the buzzing voices of fearful and scary imaginings.

Sometimes saying a thing, or in my case typing it, is enough to make it seem small and trivial. I feel so much better now!

Wishing peaceful dreams to all...

© 25Mar2015 ajj

Release...

Sometimes writing about darkness, releases light back into my life. In the wee hours of this day, I wrote about darkness and depression. After I finished, I finally dropped into a deep sleep about 4 a.m. and woke again at 8. The day feels different. Better. I still need more sleep, so a nap is on my agenda for the afternoon, but spilling all my dark thoughts was therapeutic.

My first impulse, when I woke, was to delete my Dark-thirty piece and the Facebook post where I shared it. I've done that before, but I'm not going to this time. Life isn't always perfect. People have moments of darkness, despair, grief. There are so many people struggling with different levels of mental illness and depression. I believe those struggles shouldn't be hidden. Shine a light into any place of darkness and perhaps it will permanently dispel that darkness. Even if it's not permanent, light for any amount of time is comforting and healing to the spirit and to the soul. It brings release from the darkness. It brings hope.

"... I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16 KJV

© 16Mar2015 ajj

Dark-thirty

As my husband would say, it's dark-thirty, and I'm still up! I've been reading Facebook posts, searching through hundreds of photos, and listening to Adele, who is singing "Love Song" at this moment. "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel..."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reflection. I'm trying to visualize how to be effective in reaching the goals I've set for myself. I'm filled with ideas! My imagination is endless! The problem is, what to do with all the thoughts in my head, the loud voices, the amazing ideas!

When you're lost, like a child, there are angels to carry you along.
Some with magical wings, some with a kind word or a casserole.

I once thought I'd make a great writer, because of all the stories that live inside me, but I lack the required discipline. I haven't even kept the simple commitment to this blog.

Recently I convinced myself I must be an introvert, because I love being alone with my books, movies, music. I rarely leave my house. I'm at peace being home alone, or just with my immediate family. I used to be the girl who was the first one out the door, who called all my friends to organize a night out, who loved parties and dancing, talking 50 miles a minute, laughing, living. I told someone recently I must be a split intro/exto-vert.

I'm messy inside. A little "dark and twisty" (a phrase borrowed from Grey's Anatomy). Maybe I need to "dance it out" or sing it out. Maybe I should pray it out. It's late, and I just don't know anymore. My son told me he thought I was very depressed. This is while we were laughing over Season 7 of Top Chef, chatting about food choices, the clutter, life... He's right, I know. My home tells the tale. I've gotten lost in it, surrounded by "stuff" I don't love, but don't have the energy to do anything about. So, I'm baring my thoughts with a few of you, my blogger friends, and with the occasional stranger who might stumble through my little grey gardens.

The light of day will wash most of this away, and everything will be ok. Maybe I will get back to work on that book. It might be important, or it might be nothing at all. There's only one way to find out. It must be written.

© 16Mar2015 ajj