Remembering Grandpa

Sending birthday greetings heavenwards, to my grandpa!  He was born 100 years ago today!  I'm sitting here on this snowy morning, sipping a cup of hot coffee, and reflecting on my years with my grandpa.  What a sweet, amazing man he was.  He made such a difference in my life.

I stayed with my grandparents off and on from the day I was born, then permanently when I was just 8 years old.  I'm not going to write a long story about him, just a few descriptive words...

• grandpa, father
• minister, man of tremendous faith, believed in the power of prayer
• loved his family, proud of every new addition to it
• loved me unconditionally 
• looked for the best in people 
• taught me to be generous
• sang in his beautifully off-key voice with joy 
• loved to laugh, and his laughter was contagious
• loved nature, gardening, birds
• always made time for people
• dressed well, even when spending the day at home
• had beautiful handwriting
• loved words and learning
• remembered your name...

I always expected grandpa would live well beyond his 100th birthday.  He loved life, and this beautiful world we live in.  He had a vision for a better, more peaceful world.  I still carry the same hope in my heart.  

Wishing each of you joy and hope.  

Wishing grandpa a very Happy Birthday.  I will always remember...

WARNING: This is Not a happy post...

I'm trying to remain positive, but having MS is really getting old!  So, if you came here today looking for something cheery... well, you may want to move along, right now, to some happy decorating/cooking/gardening type blog, because I'm getting "beat up" by MS again, and I have to talk about it!

I have been in a downward spiral for some time now.  The pain in my lower back and legs was unresponsive to medications, but now that pain has gone.  Instead, I have lost feeling in the lower back and most of both legs.  My left eye is again swollen, vision blurred, and is being treated with steroid drops.

They (the great "they" of the medical world) are offering me Gilenya.  A disease modifying drug, which also happens to have death, heart problems, loss of vision, compromised immune system, etc., to it's short list of "side effects" and I don't have the time, or the stomach, to read any more...

Pray you say?  Yes, I have done that, and also have many friends and family praying for me.  Awesome!  But, God does not always choose to heal people.  Even really nice folks like me.  I can accept that... sort of.  I do believe He loves and understands me... I never doubt that!

Where to go now?  What to do?  Say "NO" to this drug, and live with the certainty that this disease will continue to tear my brain and my body apart?  Say "Yes" and take the risk of leaving my family way before my time... or going blind, which steals my favorite activities from me.  Choices.  Choices.  I do not like these choices, but after this brief "pity party" I will dry my eyes, put my "happy face" back on, and try to pretend that life would never give us way more than we can handle.  I'll be back soon, hopefully with a big attitude adjustment and a more optimistic view of life.  Till then, be well dear friends!

Pushing Through the Pain...

It's been a while since I shared much about my journey with MS.  The last three weeks have been very difficult physically.  I had to swallow my pride and have my husband put my walker back in the car, in order for me to even leave the house.  It's been a long time since I had to use a walker.  The timing has been difficult, because we've been on the countdown toward my youngest son leaving the nest.  Move-in day at college is this Saturday!  I had plans for joyful shopping trips and last minute fun moments together, but this recent attack on my body made it nearly impossible.  A few days ago, I had to be placed on a heart monitor for 24 hours, and they took an ultrasound of my heart... no results yet, though I'm fairly certain they will decide it was something called an MS "hug" that I was experiencing.  They increased my pain medication, added steroids and muscle relaxants...  The results were that my face and neck swelled up night before last, and I woke in the wee hours of the morning fighting for air.  This is apparently from the steroids.  I'm feeling much more myself today, although I will still be using my walker and/or canes for the time being.

When I'm tempted to let the "dark days" take over, I have to remind myself how blessed I am.

~ I have family and friends who love me, and pray for me.
~ I'm still able to do many things I love.
~ There are those much worse off than I am.
~ I'm one of the fortunate ones with a good health insurance.

I have a faith that sustains me, even on days when I just want to sit and cry like a small child.  When those days come, and they do, I can find my way out of the darkness because of that faith.

It also helps to read about what others are facing in their lives, and how they deal with it.  I've shared many times about Baby Gabe, and his journey.  Here is a link to an uplifting blog I just discovered.  The writer is Jenn, and she shares about Gabe's birthday balloon release, and about her own journey with an invisible illness.  I think it will bless you, it certainly blessed me...  Her blog is called Chasing Joy.  Then, take just a moment to read Julia's Happy Birthday post for little Gabe, here at The Four of Us.  It is beautiful!

Well, my youngest just walked into the house... time to get busy on that list of things we want to fit into the next two days!  Wishing you a day filled with love and simple joys...






 

Fire!

Here in Idaho, we're surrounded by wildfire in the surrounding mountains and deserts.  Sadly, we've even made the national news this evening.  I live near the capitol city of Boise, and we've been living with heavy levels of smoke in our air for what seems like weeks.  Those who work in the outdoors, like my husband does, have been faced with breathing issues.  PJ comes home with irritated lungs and eyes.  I can only imagine how difficult it is on the men and women on the fire lines, risking their lives fighting these fires.  It seems like the whole northwest is under siege, even down into California.

My heart and prayers go out to those who have lost lives, homes, livestock, pets, and those who are still on the verge of evacuation.  We could use a heavy, cleansing rain; a break from the heat and from the fires.

Day 7 - Beginnings - On Faith

I've been thinking about faith.  It has been part of me for most of my life.  I was baptized in water as an infant, but my faith began a few years later.  It was the day I recognized that I could talk to God, and I felt He was hearing my prayers.

As a small child, I heard prayers being said and was prayed with.  I wasn't sure exactly how I should pray.  I had a little book of prayers that I loved.  It held all kinds of prayers for children.  One night I took it to bed with me.  I propped it open on my pillow, elbows on each side of it, hands folded.  With head bowed and peeking through my fingers, I began to read, Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.  As I read those simple words, I felt that God was there with me, listening.  Not only listening, but caring.

After that night, I began to speak to God from my heart.  I remember the night I prayed God would let me live with my Grandma and Grandpa.  I loved my momma so much, but she worked long hours, and perhaps I was picking up on her unhappiness.  Something had changed.  I didn't know it for a long time after, but my mother had cancer. God answered my prayer in a matter of days.  Momma sat me down and asked if I'd like to live with my grandparents. I was filled with joy and excitement!  It was my first palpable answer to prayer!  God had heard me!  He became real to me in a way that I'd not known before. Just so nobody misunderstands, the answer to prayer was not the cancer, which she had been fighting already, unknown to me. It was feeling God had seen my loneliness and confusion, in our situation, and placed me where I needed to be.

Every person's faith has a beginning point.  A defining place that stays in the core of their being.  No matter how many trials have come my way, I still find peace through my faith.  It carries me through the storms of life and increases my joy in the tranquil times.

© 07JAN12 ajj

Bird Songs...

Even with the freezing cold temperatures, my heart is light because I am hearing bird songs from outside my window.  I went to visit Joanne Heim's blog, and there was a post on birds, songs, and boundaries.  It was uplifting and joyful!

As you can see on my sidebar, there is a photo link and prayer request for Joanne.  She suffered a major stroke on January 11th.  Joanne, and each family member, is in need of our prayers.  Here is a link to her December 15th Post:

"Birds and Songs and Boundaries"

Three times a week, one of Joanne's previous posts is pulled out of the archives.  This one really blessed me today.  This is the scripture she shared... Psalm 16:

You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Surely I have a delightful inheritance! 

I pray for the day that Joanne will be able to share her thoughts with us again.  In the meantime, visit her blog to read her archives, and updates, posted by Tobin, family, and friends.  Please continue to pray for her healing...

Believe in Miracles.

Be Still...

I've been watching a video called, "Be Still" and it really has some good thoughts.  Here's the Netflix description:

In an age in which multitasking has become second nature, the idea of being "still" almost seems luxurious. Yet achieving stillness through Christian prayer is a spiritually rewarding practice that can change your life forever. In this inspirational program narrated by actor Judge Reinhold and co-directed by his wife, Amy, noted authors, ministers and educators discuss the techniques of contemplative prayer.

I have been thinking a lot about the over-stimulation of our everyday lives. Cell phones and computers are wonderful.  I couldn't imagine doing without either, it's just that I realized how much they can take over.  Responding to phone calls, replying to emails, updating our Facebook, our Blogs, our YouTube pages, watching our favorite programs... all good things if taken in moderation. 

My heart has been crying out for silence... for a time of stillness in my day.  I love the idea of contemplative prayer.  Setting aside a quiet time to enter into God's presence, and then, just listen... wait on Him with no requests, no expectations;  making it a time of opening yourself to what He might say to you. 

Meditation has been around in many religions and cultures for centuries.  As a Christian, I find that applying the concept to my prayer life enhances it. 

I intend to make this part of my daily routine.  I need the stillness, the release of stress, the bit of quiet solitude in the midst of a noisy world.

Update on Lucky 13...

All biopsies came back negative! No cancer! We are so thankful for that. There are some health issues, but nothing which is not treatable.

God has been good. He has been feeling better, less dizziness, but still nauseous and exhausted. We are hopeful that it will just be a matter of treatment options and that his life can get back to normal.

We did have to withdraw him from high school... Senior Year. This was a disappointment, but something we can live with. It's actually a relief for him. It was stressful to know he was falling so far behind as he's always been a good student. We are beginning the registration process to get him ready for a class with an online school. He will start slow, and add classes as his health continues to improve. This is a blessing! It wasn't that many years ago when this would not have been an option.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, love and prayers! It has meant so much to us!

A Moment to be Thankful For

Do you ever find you are letting the days slip by unnoticed? I certainly have. I get so wrapped up in the daily chores, the illnesses and other challenges, the little interruptions that come along, that I forget to enjoy the moments in my day. I'm talking about those significant little events that can be easily overlooked.

I just spent over an hour sitting with my Grandma. I hadn't been to see her recently due to the illnesses in my home. Her health has faded in the past couple of weeks. When I arrived, she was in bed. I noticed right away that her bed had been replaced by a medical bed that will raise her to a sitting position, or will lift & lower her feet.

I bent down to give her a hug, and she silently hugged me back. She couldn't talk to me and didn't even try. So, I just talked to her about my family, her friends, the weather, and she held onto my hand, squeezing it tightly every couple minutes. I began to pray with her, and I heard her begin to speak. The words were jumbled, but she was praying with me. After that, we just sat and enjoyed the sun streaming in through her window. Grandma tried to tell me something, and I finally had to tell her that the medicine must be making it hard for her to talk, because I couldn't understand her. She reach out with one hand, so I leaned forward and she grabbed a piece of my hair. "Oh yes, I got my hair cut." I told her, laughing. She looked at me with a bit of a smile in her eyes. She pointed at her shoulder and nodded when I asked if she needed a back rub. I rubbed her back. I can't tell you what a joy it was to be able to do that for her.

Our time on this earth is out of our control. It feels like Grandma may be nearing the end of her journey with us, but only God knows for sure. All I know is, I treasured each minute I sat with her today. I don't want to forget that each moment is a blessing, even when it's just sitting in prayerful silence with someone we love.

Lucky 13...

I've had messages of concern from some of you, so I wanted to let you know I may be inconsistent (more than usual) with my posts.

My son is having some health problems that are giving us great concern. He will be having more medical tests this coming Tuesday. The doctors aren't even sure what they're looking for, or if they do, they're not saying it to us.

To those of you who pray, please remember him in your prayers. He's my youngest, called Lucky 13 on my blog. He has missed about 5 weeks of school. It's his senior year, and because of all this, he will be leaving his High School. He will take online courses to complete his schooling when his health improves.

I believe all will be well. God holds us... He holds all things in the palm of His hands.

Thank you for your prayers and your concern! It means a lot!

Blessings,
Nita Jo

Surgery Update

Hello everyone! I had my cataract surgery last week. Considering that I scratched the surface of my cornea right after my surgery, I am doing well. It looks like I will still need glasses, but I can already tell a difference in my vision. Here are the details:

• Right eye cataract surgery was one week ago
• I apparently scratched the cornea while putting drops in. I had to wear a contact lens "bandaid" all week.
• Vision was bad and I have been worried
• Today "bandaid" taken off and I am seeing much better
• Colors are much brighter, but still seeing "halos" around everything
• Vision will continue to improve over the next month
• After one month I will be rechecked and fitted with glasses. Hoping for reading glasses only, but will be happy either way.
• Left eye surgery is scheduled for 8:45 am on May 27th!

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this. I was told not to use the computer except for quick email checks (with the right eye closed). During the healing process, the pupil stayed large and let more light in than needed. I had to avoid bright lights until now.

By the way, the surgery was not scary at all! You can't even tell they are coming at you with sharp instruments... they use very bright lights. Actual surgery time was only about 12 minutes. So far, this has been a very good experience!

Almost forgot... Sis's surgery went fine. It was a laser procedure. They made a small hole in the eye to relieve pressure. They did the eyes about a week apart, and she says it went very well!

Thanks for all the prayers, comments, and emails! I appreciate it so much!

Blessings!

Nita Jo

I'm ok...

Just a quick note... several friends have asked if I'm ok. I did have another very bad spell with the MS... par for the course (I have said this expression for years without thinking about it's roots... must refer to golf?!? If you know, please let me know).

I got better, then overdid working in my garage looking for Christmas decorations and lights... my back then went out (where exactly they go when they go out I do not know, but it's terribly inconvenient!).

I am doing better again, but just have so much on my to do list. The holidays can be so much fun, but there are so many things to choose from.

Thank you all for your continued prayers! I appreciate it so much!

A big thank you to Pam Warden, who sent me two of her beautiful art cards! One for encouragement, and another for Christmas! I was so blessed by her kindness. I will post a picture when I figure out that new birthday camera I got.

I hope all your holiday activities are filled with family, friends, fun, and blessings from above!

Sunday Scribblings - Change

This was written on November 8, for the Sunday Scribblings prompt "Change". I had to put it on the back burner until now, so there are some posts that I wrote after this one. I hope you'll scroll on down and check them out...


I need change. After months of dealing with new MS issues, it was beginning to get to me. I dropped by my church this morning to deliver food for the members of Laurie Roberts band and the volunteer workers. I decided to pop into the sanctuary to hear them practice for the evening concert. I didn't know if I would be up to attending.

As I sat there listening, I found the songs touching me in a new way. During a break, Laurie brought her friends, Pastor LaShund and Kadesha Lambert, back to meet me. When she told them that I had MS, they said "Let's pray right now". I felt such a change pouring through me as the three of them began to pray. No, I did not experience an immediate physical healing. I had a spirit healing.

I try to keep from being negative about everything that MS has done to my life, but the truth is... some days are just so hard. It's like taking two steps forward and four back. As I stood letting their prayers roll over me, I regained some of my spiritual strength.

This week, I found a website that spoke to me. It's written by a lady with Lupus. There are so many familiarities with MS symptoms. It's here: But You Don't Look Sick... The Spoon Theory . Some days I just run "out of spoons"... you'll have to go read about it to understand what I mean by that.

After Laurie, LaShund and Kadesha prayed with me and for me, I knew I wanted to be able to come back for the concert at 7 PM. I went home and slept for over two hours. I was saving spoons... I knew I would need them if I was going to attend. I'm so glad I did! The concert was so uplifting. It was more than a performance. It was a time of worship... a time of blessing.

The change I felt was worth more than the spoons I reserved. I might have used them to clean my house, do some blogging, or run errands. I'm thankful I saved them for a time of spiritual enrichment. I am thankful for the spiritual healing. New strength to carry on. Courage for the challenges. Renewed belief in the awesome power of prayer in my life.

Kitties, Challenges, & Music

Well, it's been a rough couple of weeks, but things are getting back on track now. I'm missing my cats... we'd had Muska for several months. She was abandoned by her owner when the vet refused to "put her down"... she was too healthy for that, so we took her in. Then we had a stray show up at our door a couple weeks back. A darling little Siamese. He was so cute... except for the claws. My last two cats were declawed, and I'd forgotten what a kitty can do to a perfectly lovely sofa or set of drapes! But, as time passed with no one advertising for him, or answering our "Found Kitty" ad, I got quite attached to "Koko" (named after the lead "cat" charactor in the "Cat Who" mysteries). Then Muska began misbehaving... let's just say I had to shampoo my hallway carpet more than once a day. Anyway, between the rips, uprooted plants, smells... PJ had enough of it so the kitties had to go. I couldn't bear to take them to the shelter, so he did it.

PJ didn't realize how attached I was to them. I guess I didn't either, as I cried like a baby the minute he drove away with them. He was just concerned about me. Being as physically challenged as I have been the past few weeks, I did not have the energy or strength to stay on top of even the minimal keeping of the house, getting meals done, and several days I couldn't even make it out to the mailbox. He felt the cats were an additional strain on me. I'm sure he was right, but I still miss them.

One bright note... PJ was told we could call in and keep track of what happens with them. They felt the two would be adopted in a very short time... they are both adorable.

Now on to other news. Last weekend I went to my cousin Laurie's concert on Saturday evening (see the photo link on my sidebar). It was wonderful! It was the first local concert for her "Perhaps God" album and was a blessing! I also made it to church for the Sunday morning service, but by the time church was over I could barely make it to my car.

I am much better today. I even felt well enough to go to my son's Orchestra concert tonight. It was a combination of Orchestra and Concert Band. They each played a couple selections of their own, then they joined together to perform a song from the Harry Potter movie soundtrack. It was excellant!

Well, it's late. I'm going to force myself to go to bed. I napped all afternoon so I could be sure to get to Lucky 13's concert, but now I don't feel sleepy at all.

Blessings to you, my friends! I appreciate the prayers and concern you have expressed. I am taking each day as it comes. I continue to have faith, and am thankful for each & every day.

Change is in the Air...

I found this video of Mahalia Jackson singing "Hold Me". It's one I had not heard before, but I loved it. I hope it has meaning for you.

With change in the air today, as millions cast their votes, I said a prayer for our next president. No matter what our personal beliefs and politics are, we need to stand behind our leaders with prayer... even if our choice is not the winner of this election.

I also said a prayer for President George Bush and his family as they prepare to step down from the presidency. I pray for them to be blessed, and that they would have peace in the days to come. I believe he lead this country the best he knew how. I am grateful for the effort, even when I did not share his views.

I am not a political person, and I find it difficult to debate issues. The one thing I can say for sure, is that the shoulders of our next leader must be strong and broad. As with every person who steps into office, they inherit "what is" and must deal with those issues that are most pressing, starting from day one. What a huge, awesome responsibility. Please join me in praying for our next president... Democrat or Republican... Obama or McCain... equally, they will need our prayers and support.

I voted... have you?

Joy In My Journey

I have been having a few "bad" days with my MS. I had the worst headache I can remember having. It started Friday, and continued to get worse on Saturday and Sunday. I had told one of my very best friends about it.

When she went to church Sunday morning, they asked for all who were suffering with headaches to come forward. Since I was not there, my dear friend went up in my place. The pastor prayed for healing for me and that I would hear a song in my heart. My friend just told me about this an hour ago. The following song by Michael Card has been going through my head since Sunday evening. I've been singing bits of it around the house and when driving my son to driver's ed.

Joy in the Journey
Michael Card

There is a joy in the journey
There's a light we can love on the way
There is a wonder and wildness to life
And freedom for those who obey

And all those who seek it shall find it
A pardon for all who believe

Hope for the hopeless

And sight for the blind

To all who've been born of the Spirit
And who share incarnation with Him
Who belong to eternity stranded in time
And weary of struggling with sin

Forget not the hope that's before you
And never stop counting the cost
Remember the hopelessness
When you were lost

Cause there is a joy in the journey
There's a light we can love on the way

There is a wonder and wildness to life

And freedom for those who obey
And freedom for those who obey

I love the music and the lyrics of this song! Oh, and my headache was easing off at noon and was gone by about 2:30 Sunday afternoon. This is what keeps me believing in the power of prayer. I didn't know I had been prayed for, but I know the results. I've been struggling with these terrible headaches off and on for the past three months. They last anywhere from 3 days to a week. They are resistant to pain medication, and they had gotten progressively worse. Saturday the pain was well beyond the "10" in the "rate your pain from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst you have ever had" and I didn't know what else I could do... then somebody prayed.

So, today I put myself on our prayer chain for the other things that are happening in my body. I try very hard not to complain (though I do now and then... being human and all!) so I had not shared everything that's been going on. My left arm went numb a few weeks ago, and this week the numbness spread to the left side of my torso. What's strange is the skin is numb, but there is still muscle and bone pain underneath. My muscle spasms in my legs and back have returned, so I have been forced to use a cane to get around again.

Even with all this, I know I am so much better off than many people around the world. I have a loving family who takes care of me when it's needed, I have excellent insurance and health care, I have a church family that prays for me when I ask, and I have a Heavenly Father that answers prayer... sometimes with a miracle. My head is pain free today, and my heart is grateful that I can always find joy in my journey.

Prayer Request for Sally

Please continue to keep my cousin, Sally, in your prayers. She has been making slow and steady progress, but it's a long and difficult road for her. Her sister wrote the following information about a visit with Sally's doctor this morning.

"He compared it to watching grass grow. He said that she is probably not seeing the growth as she is watching it every second, whereas the rest of us see a lawn that just keeps growing. He also compared it to a crockpot versus a microwave-it may take longer, but the end result is better. He assured her that she is making progress every day, and that she has come a long way. He also assured her that emotional times are ok and normal. I think Sally really liked hearing all of this from him. Once again, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Sally can feel your love... God Bless Sally."

Stroke recovery varies with each individual. There is still concern about Sally's eyesight. Her cognitive skills have improved a lot. Her walking is improving. They have her in the acute rehab unit so that she is receiving intensive therapy for 6 weeks or more as needed. She remains in good spirits most of the time, but does miss home. She is allowed limited visitation so that there is not overwhelming stimulation. Between therapy sessions, they want to be sure she is getting lots of rest which is important to her recovery.

I thank all of you who have continued to pray for Sally! She really has made amazing progress in most areas. I believe your prayers are being heard.

My Lovely Mother's Day

Well, I'm at the end of a very lovely Mother's Day. My family treated me to breakfast and surprised me with some gifts. PJ, my dear husband, picked them out. They were an Eva Cassidy CD (love her music), and two early Bette Davis movies, both favorites of mine, Dark Victory and Now Voyager. I also have a promise for Season 7 of the Gilmore Girls. Yay!

For the afternoon, I just puttered around the house from one little project to the next. Called my Grandma to wish her a Happy Day. We had a nice conversation. I'm looking forward to visiting her at the assisted living home tomorrow. She cared for me, raised me, prayed over me most of my life. Now that she's nearing 90 years old, at the end of this month, I find she is still a source of great blessing. She has days that aren't so good, with her memory and health failing. Then, there are those days like today. A few minutes of great conversation, where she knows who I am and asks about PJ and the boys. Reminds me that she loves me and is praying for me.

My Grandma has always been a powerful woman of prayer. Five years ago as I sat by my mother's side, knowing her time was nearly done in this life, I felt like I was at rock bottom. The doctor had told me there was no coming back, but it might take several days. I knew she was suffering from the cancer. I had prayed with her and talked to her, even as she lay there unresponsive. I knelt by the bed and told her it was ok for her to go. That I didn't want it, but I knew it was for the best and that we'd all be ok. She focused on me with those intense brown eyes of hers and I knew she was present with me for a moment. Then she was gone again.

I waited and watched and prayed. I knew I could not keep this up for "days", so I phoned Grandma and told her what was happening. I asked her to pray, with me, for my mother to be released to go home to her heavenly Father. She said, I'm hanging up right now and I am going to pray. That was at 5:00 pm. At 5:10, Mom drew her last breath and exhaled, and as she did I felt her life force leave her body. It was agony, it was horrible, and it was beautiful. God had heard the prayer of my Grandmother. I knew, that with the wisdom of her years, she had been able to pray with the sincerity that I had not been able to. And, when I called her back to tell her, she said, "You'll be alright" as she cried with me. I have been so blessed by both of the mothers in my life. My Mom and my Grandma. So blessed.

I am also blessed by my two sons. They are shining bright lights in my life. I cannot even begin to express what they mean to me. I was told I might never have children, but God intervened. I have much to be thankful for. I have tried to be a good mother. I know I could have done better. I hope I have given them enough to equip them for all life may bring. I've tried to pass on my love of God, of family, of church, and country; of learning, and reading, and games; of music and laughter and love; and of never giving up or giving in.

I feel very blessed and very loved. It's been a Happy Mother's Day even though it officially ended about midway through this post.

This quote sounded like me...

"I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves." -Anna Quindlen