Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sunday Scribblings #270 - Sweet

This is my response to the new Sunday Scribblings prompt.  It's not my usual poem or piece of fiction.  Just some shared thoughts, on where I am in my life, on this particular day...   

Church has always played a role in my life, whether I was attending or not.  My mother told me I was baptized as an infant, but I neglected to ask where or what denomination.  It was most likely in Kellogg, Idaho.  It didn't really matter to me, because for as long as I can remember, I spoke to God and felt like He heard me.  What I felt for my Creator was sweet, pure, and deep within me.

Mom worked nights and many Sunday mornings, but she often let me walk to a little pink church down the road.  I loved Sunday School, until they started putting black marks by my name for the Sundays I missed.  My final break with the pink church was when my Sunday School Teacher, and
I use the word teacher lightly here (though I did learn a lesson from her), told me that unless my mom started coming with me, she was going to burn in the fires of Hell!  Then she passed around the bag for our offering.  I slipped my clenched hand into my pocket, hanging on tightly to my dime.  I never went back to that church.  I did continue to pray to God each night though.

I'm saying all of this because I'm in an identity crisis with my faith.  I've always known who I was, what I believed, and who God was to me.  I had my home church, and it remained home to me even when I lived in another state.  But everything has changed.

It's not so much that my church changed, though it has.  It's more that I have changed.  My faith has been challenged... well, actually rocked!  I feel like I've been treading water, and I've never been a good swimmer so there is the constant fear of drowning.  Of losing myself.  So once again, I am home on a Sunday morning, and it feels strange to me.  I haven't stopped praying.  I still believe.  I'm just standing at the metaphorical fork in the road.  Neither path looks appealing.  Neither calls out to me.  So I'm sitting on this grassy knoll, enjoying the sun, until I'm ready to move on. 

© 5Jun2011 ajj


Lilibeth said...

The important thing is that you keep the lines of communication open. Somewhere, there is a group of believers you need...and they need you too. Thanks for sharing so freely.

Nita Jo said...

I appreciate that! It's a funny place to be in, but I know it's right where I need to be for now. It's one of those transition times, and I believe I'll know when it's right to move... and the right move to make, whether it's to stay or to go.