Ahhh, November...

Thanks to Louise, of Bumble Button, for sharing this image!

I love the month of November for so many reasons.  It's the last bit of autumn, the weather is brisk and wonderful!  It leads into my favorite family holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It also happens to be my birth month.  I never feel so alive as I do in November.  For me, it's a time of new beginnings.

Yesterday, I had a moment of self realization.  It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  I remembered who I was.  It's really difficult to explain depression, especially when I didn't even know I was caught in it.  I've had moments of great joy, but somewhere inside there has been a disconnect.

When I was young, I longed to be a clown.  I even collected clowns.  When you're a clown, you can have a smile for the world, even when you're all broken up inside.  So, I was a "clown" many times, but a day came when I couldn't even pretend to smile for the world, or my family, or my friends.  It cost me, because some people can't bear to see pain in others. They much prefer the clown.  Those who truly love me have stayed in my life.  They are my great Oak trees!  Rooted deep, invested, and there for the long term.  I'm thankful for the great Oaks.  I'm thankful they continued to reach out, sometimes to lift me up by their words or just in their private prayers.  I have felt it, and I survived because of it.  I also survived because of my amazing husband and sons! They made my life worth living, even on the days when I couldn't stop saying "I can't... I just can't... I'm not strong enough..."

Friends help us through the stormy times...
(Thank you to Dawn, of The Feathered Nest, who shared this image.)

I've had other "breakthrough" days. Days when I felt like an overcomer, but it has always been tempered with a touch of doubt.  It's because I know life doesn't just bring joy, it brings sorrow, it brings illness, it brings pain. I've always relied on my faith to carry me through those times, and it surprised me to realize how far I'd fallen into the darkness of depression. I'm not even sure when it began, but I know it has clouded my perceptions for a good, long while.

Yesterday, I felt renewed. I stood in the middle of my home, which has been filled with so much "stuff" I'd saved, for what I do not know.  I knew I needed to do some clearing out and have actually been working on it, donating clothing, books, excess, but I didn't really see how bad it was, how it weighed me down.  I suddenly said, "I can!" and repeated it to myself as I began to open my curtains, and pull up the blinds.  This was both literally and mentally.  I let the sunlight in.  I looked out at the beautiful autumn colors, and I saw them, really saw them.  I felt the possibilities rather than the limitations, and I'm loving November!


© 02Nov2013 ajjahner

Where does the time go...

I intended to be writing every day, and the month just seemed to disappear.  I've been enjoying this beautiful October weather.  The colors have been spectacular, and we have enjoyed the perfect blend of warm days and cool nights.  Today the rains began and the temperatures are supposed to drop.  I'm holding out for a few more weeks of moderate weather though.

My mind has been on Christmas.  Yes, already!  I want to make it a little more special this year.  Take the time to make the gifts more personal, as well as do some baking and candy making.  I toyed briefly with the idea of homemade cards, but decided that was a little too much to take on.

Do you ever find you've lost touch with some close friends and even some members of your family?  I certainly have in the past few years.  There are a lot of reasons, many health related and many were just a desire to be alone with my thoughts.  I still enjoy being alone, but have found myself longing to connect with people again.  I've taken a few small steps in that direction, but plan to put even more effort into it.

I'd love to reconnect with some of my old friends.  If you're reading this, drop me a line, send an email, or leave a comment.  I look forward to hearing from you!  I'm ready to break out of my self-imposed shell.

October begins...

I don't have a lot to share today, but I'm trying to keep myself writing a bit every few days.  It gets so easy to just let it slide and before I realize it, months have passed without a single word being written.

I was happy to flip all my calendars to October this morning.  My box of autumnal decorations has been found, and I plan to pull some out this afternoon. I have a very pretty banner I won a few years back, during a blog giveaway.  It's one of my favorite things!  I always hang it across the top of a mirror in my entryway.

I'm listening to the old Inspector Morse TV series this morning.  There's something rather comfortable about it.  Maybe it's the accents, the locations, the classical music, or the slower pace of the show, I'm not sure... it just makes me happy!

I'm suddenly longing for a cup of coffee... maybe a mocha, so it's goodbye for today!